President Theodore Roosevelt famously said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." I never really understood this quote until recently. Speaking softly and carrying a big stick are two important parts of childspeak. I don't think that's what President Roosevelt had in mind when he said these words, but I think they fit perfectly.
When disciplining a child, most parents tend to raise their voices, exhibit anger and frustration. They forget that discipline should be done with love, not malice. So the first part of this childspeak post is to
speak softly.
I have worked with many different families, each with their own unique way of parenting. The one thing that always stuck out to me was the way the parents would discipline their children. I noticed that the parents who yelled at their kids often got talked back to or yelled at. No one likes to be yelled at. By yelling at a child, the child's first response will either be defensive - shutting down and cowering in fear - or, more commonly, offensive - yelling back. Think of it this way. If someone punches you, you're likely to punch back, right? If someone is yelling at you, you're most likely going to yell back.
I noticed that parents who spoke softly while disciplining were more successful. Their children were more likely to listen and do what they were told. Speaking softly shows respect. It shows your child that, even though they did something wrong, you are still willing to respect them as a human being.
While working with the boys, I feel I have successfully used the idea of speaking softly. If one of the boys does something wrong, I calmly explain to them what they did wrong and how they can fix it.
Which brings me to
carrying a big stick. At first, I interpreted the big stick as physical discipline, which I don't believe in doing. But in my experience working with the boys, I have learned that the big stick has two parts. The first part is an explanation. The second part is gently showing the child who has the upper hand. For example, if your child is running with scissors, it would be easy just to take the scissors and give your child a little swat. But what does your child learn? They learn not to run with scissors. Which is a start. Instead of swatting your child, why not try explaining why they shouldn't run with scissors? Make this a teaching moment. Afterwards, think of a simple form of discipline, such as a short time out. This teaches your child that what they did was wrong and lets them know that if they run with scissors again, they can probably expect another time out. For kids, listening to an adult explain something can be just as painful as a good swat. But this way, they are learning
why their behavior was inappropriate as well as learning (or re-learning) who is in charge.
I took the younger boys for a bike ride the other day and told them that any time they heard me say "Stop", they had to stop. On our bike ride, we eventually came to a crosswalk. I said "Stop", nice and loudly. The 6-year old went straight on through the crosswalk. I told him to stop again, and he did. I explained to him that he had to stop at all the crosswalks to check for cars. He apologized for not stopping when I told him to. We had no problems after that. In this case, I only used the first part of carrying a big stick.
Another boy I take care of was giving me difficulty with his chore. He was either taking his time, or not doing it at all. His siblings had all finished their chores and were waiting for him so they could start a movie. I gave him a time limit. If the chore wasn't done by then, he had to go to bed while his siblings watched a movie. He didn't get his chore done on time. And after he finally did get it done, he got a little too physical with one of his brothers. I sent him to bed early. But not until after we had a nice, calm discussion about everything that went wrong. We talked about listening and working hard. He seemed to understand everything I explained to him and agreed to do better next time. (Part one) After our civil chat, he asked if he still had to go to bed. I told him that he did. He was upset, but we didn't have any problems after that. He went straight to bed. (Part two) Big stick.
Childspeak is based around love and understanding. You want your children to feel loved, especially when they are being disciplined. Parents make rules to keep their children safe. But younger kids don't understand that. Speak softly and carry a big stick to help your child understand. You as a parent will go far. Your child will go even farther.
