Forget everything you know about your child. They are now a brand new individual. New emotions, new interests, new fears. The teenage years are a struggle. Parents the world over have difficulty figuring out who these strangers are in their home. The best way to get to know anyone is to listen. Listen to understand. Your teen is going to say hurtful things at times, or things you disagree with. Just listen. Once they have finished expressing themselves, hopefully in a calm manner, you can put in your two cents.
Something important to remember is that the young man or woman sitting before you is no longer your sweet little snuggle bug. They're not going to crawl on your lap and cry when they're scared or worried about something. Instead, they might act out. They might argue. There is a good chance that their anger is masking something deeper, such as depression or anxiety. On the inside, they probably do want to crawl up on your lap and cry. They just want to be loved and listened to. It's honestly as simple as that.
This doesn't mean you should be their best friend. You are still an authority figure. But by genuinely listening, there is a better chance of your teen being willing to open up to you.
I have told a couple teens I've worked with that it is okay to respectfully tell their parent to just listen and not speak. I did this as a teen. There were things that I needed to express to my mom and I knew she would interrupt me at times. So I gently, and very cautiously, asked her to please just listen. I would tell her when I was done speaking. We had some really good conversations this way.
"But won't that make my kid think they are in charge?" No. As long as they are respectful about asking you to listen. It is your job as a parent to take care of your children. Listening can open up a lot of doors. It did for my mom and I, and it's also opened a lot of doors with one the teens I work with. We have 'therapy' sessions every Friday after school in which he dumps his feelings and worries on me. I then talk him through steps he can take to get rid or lessen these feelings he's having. We've got a long way to go, but I feel that we are slowly making progress. All because I listen before I respond.
I know this is asking a lot of you, but please try it out. Just listen. A lot of teens simply need to get things off their chests. I'd rather have a teen dump their feelings on my than get into dangerous and unhealthy situations. This obviously isn't going to solve all of your adolescent woes, but it's a good and important start. Please, just listen.
