Bipolar Disorder: A Short Story

Wet Season

Dry Season

Mab woke up every morning, stretched his arms and legs, and let out a great howl of joy.  He'd made it

Mab woke up every morning, stretched his arms and legs, and lay back down for more sleep.  He wasn't

through another night, waking with the energy of many men.  Today was another day to live his best life. 

 

ready to face another day.  He had no energy and no desire to get started with his day.  Today was just

 

He stepped outside of his cave and let out another howl of joy.  The waters were falling from the sky,

 

another dry day of unsettling sunlight and heat.  After a few more hours of rest, Mab decided it was 

cooling the land and bringing life to the mountainside.  Mab grabbed his spear and went off for a morning

 

time to gather some fruit for breakfast.  Groaning with displeasure, Mab made his way out of the cave

hunt.  While searching for something good to eat, Mab noticed all of the beauty around him; the leaves 

towards the forest.  He headed straight for this favorite fruit tree.  Once at the tree, he sat down in its

dripping with water, the grass blowing in the wind, the dark clouds covering the sky.  Yes, today was

 

shade to take a rest.  He was still very tired.  After a quick nap, Mab collected his pile of stones and 

going to be a good day.  Mab headed for the forest, sure that he'd find some prey hiding from the falling

 

expertly threw the stones at the fruit.  As the fruit was falling from the tree, a beautiful bird came into

 

waters.  He eventually found a small herd of antelope.  Feeling confident, Mab set his sights on the largest 

view.  Annoyed at the interruption, Mab threw a stone at the magnificent bird.  His aim was true.  He'd

antelope, a female.  Gripping his spear tightly, Mab ran into the herd at full speed.  As the antelope scattered,

 

have some meat tonight.  Gathering the bird and the fruit, Mab made his way back to the cave.  In no

Mab was grazed by antlers and hooves, but he didn't notice the pain.  His focus was on the giant antelope at the

hurry, Mab dragged his feet in the dusty, dry ground.  He heard a rustle behind him.  He turned back to

end of his spear.  She put up a fight, but Mab came out victorious.  Dripping blood and sweat, Mab 

see a pair of large cats, licking their lips and growling hungrily.  Mab stopped and stood in fear.  He 

prepared to drag his prey back to his cave.  Still feeling confident and energetic, Mab was unaware of the

 

dropped his load of fruit and meat and ran towards his cave.  The large cats pounced on the bird,

pain from his injuries, unaware of the weight of the carcass he toted behind him.  Pushing through the 

ravenously tearing at the meat.  Mab looked back in dismay, mourning the loss of a hearty supper.

howling wind and drenching waters, Mab could see his cave up ahead.  But he also saw a pack of wolves,

 

After having devoured the dead bird, the large cats turned and headed back into the forest.  Mab had

looking for food of their own.  His energy rising again, Mab dropped his load and prepared his spear.  He

 

fallen asleep, drained of all his energy.  Once awake, he headed out of the cave to collect the fruit he

rushed the wolves, trying to catch them off guard.  He dropped one wolf as the others realized what was

 

had dropped.  Some fruits were still good, but most had been crushed by the large cats.  Mab ate one of

happening.  They circled around Mab, growling, fur raised.  The leader of the pack leapt at Mab.  Mab

 

the fruits and stored the rest for later.  He wasn't very hungry at the moment.  Having nothing else to

rolled out of the way, spear raised in defense.  Having dropped another wolf, Mab's confidence once more

 

do, Mab found a comfortable spot near the entrance of the cave.  He watched the day roll by, the sun

took over.  He swung his spear about, taking down wolf after wolf.  He was clawed in the back, bitten on

 

rising to the center of the sky, then dropping in the west.  The herds grazing in the sparse, dry grass.

the leg, but still he fought, until all the wolves were taken down.  Gasping for breath, Mab let out a loud,

 

Today was difficult.  Mab was exhausted, despite all the rest he'd taken today.  Hopefully tomorrow

booming laugh followed by yet another howl of joy.  Feeling invincible, Mab grabbed his prized antelope,

 

would be a better day.  Mab lay down for the night and fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of fruit and

plus a wolf, and made his way back to his cave. 

 

large cats.
 

Depression: A Short Story

 

September 12th

Zeb enjoyed watching the magpies pick at the bird feeders on the front lawn.  He loved the way their wings glinted blue in the sunlight.  He found comfort in the chirping of mothers calling out to their chicks, telling them food was coming.  Zeb could watch those birds for hours.

"The birdseed is getting low," Zeb muttered to himself.  He shut the front door and walked down the long hallway towards the kitchen, the chain around his ankle rattling with every step he took.  He grabbed some bread and jam from the pantry for a quick bite.  He made up his snack and returned to the front door.  The chain snagged going around the corner as a couple links receded into the wall.

September 13th

The magpies hadn't begun swooping yet.  Surely today would be the day.  Zeb headed for the washroom, but decided a bath could wait.  He quickly made his way down the hallway to the front door, the chain clinking loudly behind him.

"Curse this chain," Zeb murmured.  "Always causing a raucous."  Zeb looked outside just in time to see the birds fly back into the trees.  "Curse this chain," he repeated.  With the magpies cautiously watching, Zeb headed towards the kitchen for breakfast.  The chain tugged at Zeb's ankle as more links vanished into the wall.

September 14th

Zeb awoke to an itching, burning pain on his ankle.  He limped his way to the washroom to wet his ankle.  He flinched as he gently patted the inflamed area with a cold, moist cloth.  A sudden, loud chirp erupted from outside.

"It's started!"  Zeb hurried out of the washroom and down the hall, dodging around the chain at his feet.  He threw the front door open just in time to see a single magpie swooping out of a tree towards a squirrel.  The squirrel got away before the magpie could strike.  The other magpies sat in their trees, watching.  False alarm.  The swooping still hadn't begun.

"Cheeky squirrel," Zeb chuckled.  He then grimaced as the chain tugged at his ankle, more links disappearing.  But he stayed put, watching the magpies.

September 15th

After a small breakfast, Zeb made his way to the front door.  As he reached for the door handle, he was pulled back by the chain, once again receding into the wall.

"I can't reach the door," Zeb whispered angrily.  "I'll miss it all."  He fell to his knees, unsure of what to do next.  He sat there for hours, despairing over his predicament.

Outside, the magpies remained silent.

September 16th

Zeb woke on the floor, hungry and cold.  His ankle burned.  He noticed that he was further from the door than he was when he fell asleep.  The chain must have dragged him further from the door.  He let out a cry of frustration.

That's when he heard it.  The clamorous chirping of magpies dive bombing small critters, trying to protect their homes.

"I'm missing it," Zeb sobbed.  "Curse this chain!"  He began to claw at his ankle, repeating his new mantra. "Curse this chain!  Curse this chain!"

His ankle and fingertips began to bleed.  Zeb wailed and sobbed.  He thought he would never be free of the chain that kept him from the joy the magpies brought him.

And that's when he remembered.

Zeb rushed down the long hallway into his bedroom.  As if reading his mind, the chain began working overtime, quickly receding.  How had he forgotten?  There, on his bedside table, sat liberation.  Freedom from the pain.  Zeb lunged for the key as the chain gave one final tug.  He struggled with the lock as the chain pulled him towards the unknown.

He unclasped the chain.

Giving a sigh of relief, Zeb limped his way back down the hallway.  With a smile on his face and tears in his eyes, he turned the handle on the front door, and took a deep breath.  The magpies were chirping up a storm, flying this way and that.

This was the best swooping he had ever witnessed.

iPhilip 30

 

On March 27th of this year, the iPhilip 30 made an appearance.  This particular iPhilip was to be the greatest yet.  But, as is often the case, life got in the way.  Here is iPhilip's story in his own words:

"My 30th year of life began with the loss of my emotional support kitty, Zoe.  She was just 11-years old.  I decided that I didn't want to wait to adopt another cat.  So I eventually adopted a beautiful tortoise hair cat that I named Zadie.  She hated me for a long time, which, obviously, didn't provide me with the emotional support I needed.  Months later, she is my little shadow and loves to be petted.

"Back in April, while I was in the process of adopting Zadie, a difficult decision arose (unrelated to Zadie's adoption).  I could make it easy by continuing to do what I was already doing; but in so doing, I would be causing myself more and more anxiety.  Or, I could make the more difficult, but correct choice, which is what I did.  I made the more difficult choice, knowing that my life would be miserable for awhile.  I knew people would hate me for the choice I made.  I knew my life would temporarily become a living hell.  But I made the choice anyways.  What I didn't know was that my social media and blog would be stalked.  I didn't expect failed attempts to have me taken down at every turn.  I began regretting the choice I made, even though I knew it was the right one.

"I began seeing a therapist.  She has been wonderful for me and has helped me through a lot.  But I still have a long way to go.  Even nearly half a year later, I am struggling with the decision I made.  If given the chance to do it over again, I would still make the same choice, even though I question it almost every day.  Doing the right thing isn't always easy.

"Just last week, I was in a dark place, a darker place than I had ever been in before.  I slowly got out of it using the techniques my therapist gave me.  I'm still not at 100%.  It may be a while until I'm there again.  But I'm trying."

When asked to describe himself, iPhilip 30 said that he is "big-hearted, but broken."  He remains hopeful and is continuing to look for ways to improve himself.  He is doing a lot of self-care activities and putting down boundaries.  We at iPhilip are certain that things will only get better.

Getting Back in the Groove

As I mentioned last week, I have been attending a recreational therapy program called THRIVE.  It is aimed towards people with depression and/or anxiety and helping them cope with life.  One of the main purposes of THRIVE is creating goals and seeing them through.  We meet in accountability groups at the end of each session to see how we're doing with our goals.
Since I started attending THRIVE, I have noticed that I have become much more motivated and happier.  My younger brother said he noticed the same thing.  Since beginning THRIVE, I have been going to the gym, I changed up my eating habits, started meeting with a wellness coach, and started truly enjoying life.  I still get anxious and depressed, but I now have a better grip on reality.
One week at THRIVE, we talked about finding our flow.  Flow is experienced when you are doing something you absolutely enjoy and that seems to come naturally for you.  Time seems to slow down and nothing else matters.  I experience flow the most when I'm brainstorming photo ideas and executing those ideas.  Photography is my thing.  Time slows down and nothing but my ideas and photos matters.  Flow is when we are feeling the most at ease.
I am truly grateful for the THRIVE program and all that I have learned there.  I was beginning to think that a change in medication or dosage was the only thing to get me out of the funk I was in.  But I can attest that therapy, along with medication, is the best way to get back into the groove of things.

A Great(er) Depression

What can I say?  Idaho is just a depressing place.  I spent almost all of February through April hating life and hating myself.  I hid it well.  On the outside, I was a happy young man with a couple small issues.  But inside, I didn't know who I was anymore.  I went through all the motions: get up, eat, go back to bed, go to work, go back to bed.
When school started, things began to change.  My depression was still there, but not as intense as it had been.  I actually had things to do with my day.  I woke up in the morning, went to class(es), went to work, then back to bed.
My therapist, who is amazing, by the way, recommended a program on campus called THRIVE (I'm not sure why it's all caps, it doesn't stand for anything).  THRIVE has helped me so much.  It's a recreational therapy group that helps me and others in my situation learn how to deal with life.  Because of THRIVE, I have become motivated to go to the gym three days a week, to meet up with a wellness adviser to help me with my nutrition, and to simply see the good things in life.  I'm more motivated to try new things.  I'm not nearly as anxious as I normally am, and my depression is completely gone.
I guess my message is this:  Get out of your comfort zone and try something new.  I'm still taking my medications as prescribed.  But instead of increasing my dosage, my doctor suggested THRIVE, socializing, and trying new things.  I realize this is much easier said than done, but it works.  I have found myself again.  I am in a much better place.

It Always Works Out pt. 2

In my last post, "It Always Works Out", I talked about my financial troubles and asking for help.  Something that has been weighing heavily on my mind is the mental stress I was going through.  My anxiety levels were through the roof, and I  was more depressed than I had ever been in my life.  During this time, a thought came to me.  I truly understood why people end their own lives.  As depressed as I was, I never got to the point where I wanted to commit suicide.  But I was fully aware of why others would or already have.  

My life had gotten to a point where there was no hope left for me.  I know it was just my anxiety talking to me, but I believed it for awhile.  There was no way I was ever going to get out of the financial hole I had dug myself in to.  At least, not alone.  And that's why I called my bishop and accepted free food storage.  I knew exactly who to talk to help me solve some of my problems.  And I made it through because of the assistance I received.

In past posts, I have compared life to many different things.  In this case, life is like a road leading to the sunset.  My road hadn't ended yet.  Hopefully I still have many miles to go before I reach my sunset.  My message to you is to not give up, no matter how difficult life gets.  Take some time right now to think of who you can reach out to if your life hits a low point.  No one wants to see your road end too early.  Keep going strong.

Wanted vs. Needed

Something I have struggled with a lot for the past years is feeling wanted.  Probably the most difficult thing about having anxiety is the fear of what other people think about me.  I tend to over think things when I am around others.  Why did I say that?  Why am I still talking?  They're probably waiting for me to shut up so they can leave.  And when I'm by myself, the thoughts still come.  Why am I such a boring person?  What are my talents?  Why is it so hard to like me?  Acknowledging the fact that these thoughts stem from my anxiety makes it a little bit easier for to socialize.  But the thing I still can't help but wonder is:  Why do I feel needed, but not wanted?
I feel like being wanted is much more important than being needed.  I have people asking me favors all the time.  Other than that, they really don't talk to me.  I'm only a friend when someone needs something.Then I started Mannying.  For the first time in a long time, I actually felt wanted.  The boys and I developed a wonderful relationship.  I didn't realize just how wonderful it was until it was time to leave them.  All three boys got stressed out and I went into the worst and longest depression I'd ever been in.  I often wondered why I was feeling the way I was.  I realized it was because I wasn't used to feeling wanted.
Now, out in Idaho, I have a Mannying job two days a week.  My highlight of the week is knocking on the door and hearing my name being called out excitedly.  And when the parents come home and it's time for me to leave, the kids lock the doors and tell me I can't leave.  I actually have to sneak out of the house some nights.  But I love it!  The kids want me around.  They want me around.  It's a great feeling.
What I think everyone should remember is to treat everyone like they are important, because they are.  Next time you need a favor from someone, make sure you also make an effort to get to know that someone better.  Try harder to be their friend.
At this point in my life, I'm trying to figure out how I can change so people will want to be around me.  As much as I love the kids I work with, it's kind of embarrassing saying that my best friend is two decades younger than me.  I just need to break out of my shell called anxiety.

A Great Depression

Moving out to Idaho was definitely the most difficult thing I have ever done.  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to be on my own.  I'm keeping up with my finances, grocery shopping, and medications.  I'm being very responsible.  The hard part was leaving the people I know and love.  The hard part was going from busy busy busy to laying in bed wondering what to do next.
Classes are going well.  I'm doing well in both.  I'm working two days a week, five hours each day.  I love my job as a Manny and look forward to Wednesdays and Saturdays.  My cat, Zoe, has finally adjusted to living in a new place, even though she never leaves the bedroom.  She's more relaxed and cuddly.  Things really are going well.
So why am I so depressed?
Back in Pennsylvania, before I left, I was rarely at home.  I had a lot of things going on in my life.  A lot of positive things.  A job that kept me busy, a Little Brother to visit with, a job at church working with other single adults.  I basically went home to eat and sleep.  But now, I rarely leave my apartment.  I go to class, to church, run errands, and hang out with people I'm slowly getting to know and open up to.  That doesn't take up a lot of my time, though.  When I'm not doing homework, I can usually be found in my room napping or playing games on my Kindle, only leaving to use the bathroom or get something to eat.  When I'm not at work or school, I honestly struggle with finding a purpose.
Depression isn't new to me.  I've been depressed before, but only for a day or two at a time.  This has been going on for a couple of months now.  Now before you start to worry, I would never hurt myself or anyone.  I like to think that I am generally a cheerful person.  So, in a way, you could say I have optimistic depression.  I'm struggling, but I know it's only temporary.  I just need a purpose.
I have been searching for and applying to Mannying jobs.  My current boss has referred me to multiple people.  Something is bound to come my way.
I have made a couple of new friends.  With my social anxiety, it's always been difficult for me to make friends, so I expected friendships to take awhile.  But I'm getting there.  As much as I hate meeting new people, I have met some pretty awesome folks out here.
My slump will end.  I have really good days, usually days that I work.  I remain positive in all that do.  It gets tough, but I like to think that I'm tougher.

Superheroes

In a world where everyday people go about their business, a super villain rises up out of the shadows.  When all hope seems lost, a group of superheroes stands up for what is right.  Meet the Mhavengers!  (MHA = Mental Health Awareness)
The leader of the Mhavengers is Captain Caution, whose anxiety leads her in safety and thinking things through.  She is followed by Kid Koncentrate, whose ADHD helps him outmaneuver bad guys.  The last member of the team is Artbringer, whose depression helps him feel things more deeply than most.  Together, the Mhavengers bring hope and joy to a scary world.  These are the adventures of the Mhavengers.
Let's take a look at Captain Caution first.  There's a reason she is the leader.  Her ability to think things through keeps her and her team safe.  Rather than acting spontaneously, Captain Caution looks for the best outcome in battle.  She looks at all of her options.  Every option has pros and cons.  Which option has the least cons?  Captain Caution's power of Racing Thoughts helps her to make quick decisions.  She has never lost a team member because she thinks things through.
Captain Caution's weakness, though, is her own mind.  Racing Thoughts is a super power, but also a weakness.  When one's mind is working at the speed of light, it's easy, and inevitable, to go from positive to negative thoughts in a millisecond.  Captain Caution uses the power of optimism when making decisions.  This helps her stay on a positive train of thought.
Next up is Kid Koncentrate.  His ADHD makes him a difficult target to hit.  Always on the move, Kid Koncentrate is always one step ahead of his foes.  And with his super power, Wandering Eyes, Kid Koncentrate is able to notice obstacles that his teammates might have missed.  His impulses are kept in check by Captain Caution.  But when things are looking bad, Captain Caution lets Kid Koncentrate loose.  Enemies won't even know what hit them.
Kid Koncentrate's weakness, like Captain Caution's, is his super power.  His Wandering Eyes may lose focus at times.  When told to be on the look out for something, Kid Koncentrate often fails to find what he is searching for.  He notices all the details except those that are important for the task at hand.
The last member of the Mhavengers is Artbringer.  Artbringer's depression leaves him feeling emotions very strongly.  He can perfectly empathize with the people he is saving.  By putting himself in their shoes, Artbringer is able to find a way to overcome the challenges set before him.  Artbringer's super power is Creativity.  This power helps Artbringer get his team through tough times.  By thinking outside of the box, Artbringer is able to bring villains to justice using the element of surprise.  Everyone has their own unique style of creativity.  Whatever Artbringer creates is sure to leave villains speechless.
Artbringer's weakness is his emotions.  By feeling things so deeply, Artbringer is often brought down by the weight of his feelings and the feelings of others.  He finds that he is unable to continue on in the battle.  But he always rises above this.  And that is a super power in its own right.
The next time you or someone you know complains about a mental disorder that can at times seem like a plague, open up the adventures of the Mhavengers.  These people are real.  Their powers are real.  The woman you walked past in the mall might be Captain Caution.  The 5th grader fidgeting at his desk might be Kid Koncentrate.  And the man painting in the park to fight off his demons might be Artbringer.  Together, they are making the world a better a place.