Thursday, May 18, 2023

Depression: A Short Story

 


September 12th
Zeb enjoyed watching the magpies pick at the bird feeders on the front lawn.  He loved the way their wings glinted blue in the sunlight.  He found comfort in the chirping of mothers calling out to their chicks, telling them food was coming.  Zeb could watch those birds for hours.
"The birdseed is getting low," Zeb muttered to himself.  He shut the front door and walked down the long hallway towards the kitchen, the chain around his ankle rattling with every step he took.  He grabbed some bread and jam from the pantry for a quick bite.  He made up his snack and returned to the front door.  The chain snagged going around the corner as a couple links receded into the wall.

September 13th
The magpies hadn't begun swooping yet.  Surely today would be the day.  Zeb headed for the washroom, but decided a bath could wait.  He quickly made his way down the hallway to the front door, the chain clinking loudly behind him.
"Curse this chain," Zeb murmured.  "Always causing a raucous."  Zeb looked outside just in time to see the birds fly back into the trees.  "Curse this chain," he repeated.  With the magpies cautiously watching, Zeb headed towards the kitchen for breakfast.  The chain tugged at Zeb's ankle as more links vanished into the wall.

September 14th
Zeb awoke to an itching, burning pain on his ankle.  He limped his way to the washroom to wet his ankle.  He flinched as he gently patted the inflamed area with a cold, moist cloth.  A sudden, loud chirp erupted from outside.
"It's started!"  Zeb hurried out of the washroom and down the hall, dodging around the chain at his feet.  He threw the front door open just in time to see a single magpie swooping out of a tree towards a squirrel.  The squirrel got away before the magpie could strike.  The other magpies sat in their trees, watching.  False alarm.  The swooping still hadn't begun.
"Cheeky squirrel," Zeb chuckled.  He then grimaced as the chain tugged at his ankle, more links disappearing.  But he stayed put, watching the magpies.

September 15th
After a small breakfast, Zeb made his way to the front door.  As he reached for the door handle, he was pulled back by the chain, once again receding into the wall.
"I can't reach the door," Zeb whispered angrily.  "I'll miss it all."  He fell to his knees, unsure of what to do next.  He sat there for hours, despairing over his predicament.
Outside, the magpies remained silent.

September 16th
Zeb woke on the floor, hungry and cold.  His ankle burned.  He noticed that he was further from the door than he was when he fell asleep.  The chain must have dragged him further from the door.  He let out a cry of frustration.
That's when he heard it.  The clamorous chirping of magpies dive bombing small critters, trying to protect their homes.
"I'm missing it," Zeb sobbed.  "Curse this chain!"  He began to claw at his ankle, repeating his new mantra. "Curse this chain!  Curse this chain!"
His ankle and fingertips began to bleed.  Zeb wailed and sobbed.  He thought he would never be free of the chain that kept him from the joy the magpies brought him.
And that's when he remembered.
Zeb rushed down the long hallway into his bedroom.  As if reading his mind, the chain began working overtime, quickly receding.  How had he forgotten?  There, on his bedside table, sat liberation.  Freedom from the pain.  Zeb lunged for the key as the chain gave one final tug.  He struggled with the lock as the chain pulled him towards the unknown.
He unclasped the chain.
Giving a sigh of relief, Zeb limped his way back down the hallway.  With a smile on his face and tears in his eyes, he turned the handle on the front door, and took a deep breath.  The magpies were chirping up a storm, flying this way and that.
This was the best swooping he had ever witnessed.





Thursday, May 11, 2023

Backwards Anxiety

 



I feel as though my life has always consisted of taking one step forward, quickly followed by two steps backward.  In 2018, I took my biggest step forward by moving to Idaho to continue my education.  In 2019, I took a couple steps back by moving back home to Pennsylvania.  While in Pennsylvania, my mannying clientele grew, my anxiety almost completely vanished thanks to lifestyle changes and a wonderful therapist, and I was the happiest I had been in years.  Then I took the giant step of moving back to Idaho in 2022.  Since being back in Idaho, I find myself stepping backwards again.  But one of those backward steps worked out well for me.

After moving back to Idaho, being unemployed for a month, and digging myself into a hole of financial burden, my anxiety decided to take over.  It didn't help that I had just cut one of my medicine dosages in half.  But me being me, I didn't want to go back to the full dosage.  In fact, after three months and with permission from my doctor, I took two steps backwards and went off that medication completely.

The two or three weeks after discontinuing that prescription were miserable.  I was always trembling, constantly on the verge of tears, and extremely sensitive to everything around me.  I hoped and prayed that all this would go away once my body was done going through withdrawals.  

Miracle of miracles, it almost all went away (except for the occasional trembling).  The confidence I had while I was in Pennsylvania returned.  Aside from the medication, nothing in my life has changed.  All the stressors are still there, but I am now able to manage them.  I have become comfortable asking for help.  I am almost always in a better mood at work.  I'm feeling happy again, for the most part.  I just had to take a step back.

My life is nowhere near where I want it to be.  The anxiety is still there, especially in regards to what life has in store for me.  I'm confused about my future, about what my next steps are.  I now understand, though, that it is okay to take a couple steps back.  Those backwards steps might just lead me to the greatest next step imaginable.


*Note:  Although being taken off of a medication worked for me, it may not work for everyone.  I was on that medication for 17 years.  It worked really well for many of those years, but as time went on, I'm guessing that my body built up a resistance to it.  Please talk to your doctor before discontinuing your medication.