Wanted vs. Needed

Something I have struggled with a lot for the past years is feeling wanted.  Probably the most difficult thing about having anxiety is the fear of what other people think about me.  I tend to over think things when I am around others.  Why did I say that?  Why am I still talking?  They're probably waiting for me to shut up so they can leave.  And when I'm by myself, the thoughts still come.  Why am I such a boring person?  What are my talents?  Why is it so hard to like me?  Acknowledging the fact that these thoughts stem from my anxiety makes it a little bit easier for to socialize.  But the thing I still can't help but wonder is:  Why do I feel needed, but not wanted?
I feel like being wanted is much more important than being needed.  I have people asking me favors all the time.  Other than that, they really don't talk to me.  I'm only a friend when someone needs something.Then I started Mannying.  For the first time in a long time, I actually felt wanted.  The boys and I developed a wonderful relationship.  I didn't realize just how wonderful it was until it was time to leave them.  All three boys got stressed out and I went into the worst and longest depression I'd ever been in.  I often wondered why I was feeling the way I was.  I realized it was because I wasn't used to feeling wanted.
Now, out in Idaho, I have a Mannying job two days a week.  My highlight of the week is knocking on the door and hearing my name being called out excitedly.  And when the parents come home and it's time for me to leave, the kids lock the doors and tell me I can't leave.  I actually have to sneak out of the house some nights.  But I love it!  The kids want me around.  They want me around.  It's a great feeling.
What I think everyone should remember is to treat everyone like they are important, because they are.  Next time you need a favor from someone, make sure you also make an effort to get to know that someone better.  Try harder to be their friend.
At this point in my life, I'm trying to figure out how I can change so people will want to be around me.  As much as I love the kids I work with, it's kind of embarrassing saying that my best friend is two decades younger than me.  I just need to break out of my shell called anxiety.

Operation: Childspeak pt. 4

In one of the classes I'm currently taking (Behavioral Learning Psychology), we learned about reinforcement and punishment.  There are two types of reinforcement and two types of punishment:  positive and negative.  Positive reinforcement is rewarding a good behavior by giving the child something they want, such as a treat.  Negative reinforcement is rewarding a good behavior by taking something the child doesn't want, such as giving them a break from a chore.  Positive punishment is giving something aversive to the child after a bad behavior, such as a spanking or time out.  Negative punishment is taking something from a child after a bad behavior, such as taking away a privilege.  For this post, I will be focusing on positive reinforcement.
I have mentioned before that childspeak is centered around love.  You know your child best, but have you ever thought about their love languages?  These can be the perfect and simplest forms of positive reinforcement.  I'll admit that I always thought that love languages were a bunch of mumbo jumbo.  But after working with children for as long as I have, I have come to realize that every child responds differently to different reinforcements.  Almost all of these reinforcements fall under a love language category.
The five love languages are:  Physical touch, service, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time.  For kids, I have found that the three most effective love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time.
The boys I worked with in Pennsylvania loved receiving gifts.  But the gifts weren't used for long.  The boys eventually got bored with them.  This told me that receiving gifts was not one of their love languages.  I eventually found that the boys fell under three categories of love language:  Physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time.  Physical touch and words of affirmation are by far the easiest forms of reinforcement.  Anytime one of the boys performed a good behavior, such as cleaning something up without being asked or simply using good manners, I would gently put my hand on their back (physical touch) and praise them (words of affirmation) for being awesome.  When homework and chores got finished in a timely fashion, we then had plenty of time to spend together (quality time).  I found that these three types of reinforcement worked much better than physical prizes.  Not only did the boys feel rewarded, they also felt loved.
The love languages don't have to be used for just reinforcement, though.  When consoling a child, a certain love language can help the child calm down.  Gently rubbing their back (physical touch), while sitting with them (quality time) and assuring them that everything will be okay (words of affirmation) works wonders.  I have even used this technique during tantrums.  But doesn't that reinforce the tantrum? you might ask?  Not at all.  During a tantrum, your child is of a different mind set.  One of the boys had a pretty severe tantrum my second to last day with him.  While I sat with him (quality time), gently rubbed his back (physical touch), and told him everything was okay (words of affirmation), the boy told me that he felt like his mother didn't love him.  He knew this wasn't true, but he was in a different mindset.  At that moment in time, he genuinely believed his mother didn't love him.  I sat and talked with him until he calmed down, my hand continuing to do gentle laps around his back.  Because of how well I know this child, I can tell you that he calmed down a lot quicker than if I had just left him alone to scream and cry.
Remember that for this child, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time were the love languages needed.  This isn't the case for every child.  For a lot of children, it's actually better to leave them alone during a tantrum.  They may be so angry with you that they don't want you anywhere near them.  After speaking with them gently to tell them everything will be alright (words of affirmation), leave the child alone.  If that is what they want, then you will be providing a service for them, which, if you remember, is one of the love languages.
Every child is different.  I don't know what your child's specific love languages are.  But I urge you to find out what they are.  Your relationship with your child will grow in a way that every parent wishes for.  Your child just wants to be loved.  The more love they receive, the more love they are likely to give.

'Man's Search For Meaning' Book Review

I kind of cheated this week.  This is actually paper I had to write for my History and Systems of Psychology class.

Man's Search for Meaning Book Review

Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning has been a must-read for decades. Frankl's portrayals of his experiences in Auschwitz are both haunting and enlightening. The book is split into two sections: Frankl's experiences in Auschwitz and other concentration camps; and a detailed description of logotherapy and its uses. While at the concentration camps, Frankl described the hardships he and his colleagues faced. He mentioned the pains and illnesses suffered in the camps and how he was able to rise above them all and stay optimistic. Years later, after returning to normal every day life, Frankl coined the term logotherapy, which he defined as “the meanings to be fulfilled by the patient in his future” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 98). In other words, logotherapy helps patients reevaluate their lives so they can make the changes needed to live a happier life. Frankl then gave different examples of how he has used logotherapy to help various patients.

While in the concentration camps, Frankl witnessed many of his fellow prisoners give up on life. They had lost their meaning for living. Because of his medical experience, Frankl was put to work as a camp medic. He saw a lot of illness and death. For many of the deaths, though, Frankl believes the cause to be a mental shut down of sorts. Living in a concentration takes a toll on a person and it is easy to give up. The men he saw die were usually the ones who had given up on life. This goes to show how important it is to have a meaning in life.

The second part of the book explains logotherapy, which Frankl used to help people renew their sense of purpose. He gave examples of different methods he used with his patients. One method Frankl used, which was the basis of logotherapy, was the paradoxical intention. Frankl discovered that by having someone willingly try to react to their fears, they would find that they physically could not react. Frankl gave the example of a boy who had a stutter. The boy got caught hitching a ride on a streetcar and attempted to exaggerate his stuttering for sympathy. He actually didn't stutter at all. By forcing himself to do something he did involuntarily, he was able overcome it (Frankl, V., 1959, pp.126). The goal of using logotherapy is to reestablish someone's meaning. When someone is feelin helpless and just wants to give up, usually by suicide, logotherapy can be used to help the subject overcome their struggle and reawaken their sense of meaning.

The part of the book that stood out to me the most was in part two when Frankl discussed the existential vaccuum. Frankl defines the existential vaccuum as a person's “inner emptiness, a void within themselves” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 106). This is my first semester at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I had been attending a community college in my home state of Pennsylvania before moving out west. I have experienced the existential vacuum first hand. Other than going to my classes, church, and work, I spent a lot of my time in bed. I felt empty inside, often wondering if I had made the right choice in moving out west. I know what I want to do with my life, but with over three years left of college, I wondered if it was worth it.

There was a particular day I was really struggling in my search for motivation and meaning. The next day, in part two of Man's Search for Meaning, I read the following: “...everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 109). This simple sentence, and a few lines before, really struck me. Not only did my life have meaning, but I was the only one who could fulfill it.

After eventually getting my Masters degree, I plan on being a middle school guidance counselor. I love working with kids, especially in the pre- to young teen ages. I have been working with children through Church and my job for years. After reading the line mentioned above, I realized that maybe I am the only one who can help a certain child in the future. My eyes were opened from reading Frankl's words. And my meaning reasserted itself. College made sense to me again. Even though it is difficult right now, the end goal is what should be my priority.

Frankl's book, though difficult in parts, was a great read for me. It truly changed my perspective on what life is about. I have a new outlook on life that I pray I will never become blind to. 

 

Works Cited

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Mans search for meaning. Boston: Beacon Press.