I Am Not My Body pt. 3: I Blame Myself

A few years ago, some members of the church I attend were passing around a color quiz.  This color quiz assigned you a color based on your answers about your personality.  The color you are assigned supposedly tells people what they can expect from you.  For example, if I remember correctly, someone who is a White is calm and easy going.  I was tempted to take the quiz.  Until I heard someone justify someone else's actions using a color.
"Of course he wouldn't mop the floor.  He's a blue!"
I'm fairly certain she was being sarcastic.  But I decided not to take the quiz.  I didn't want a reason to justify my actions.  And I definitely didn't want others assuming they knew me based off of a color quiz.
The same is true about mental illness.  In part two of this series, I briefly discussed labels.  How I have ADD, not that I am ADD.  Now onto the next step.  Just because I have ADD and anxiety doesn't mean I can justify my actions because of my ADD/anxiety.
When I was younger, I would blame my mental illnesses for my actions.  I was too afraid because of my anxiety.  I couldn't focus because of my ADD.  It's true that my anxiety causes me to fear things.  It does occasionally influence my decisions.  But my decisions are just that:  mine.  I am in control of my actions, not my mental illness.
All these school shootings that have been happening are, unfortunately, a good example who is to blame.  So many people blame the mental illness.  Others blame the gun.  I blame the person.  It may be true that their mental state may have driven them to committing these awful acts, but ultimately, it was their decision.  The insanity plea does not sit well with me.
Believe it or not, the most important step in conquering mental illness is taking ownership of your actions.  Understanding that your illness does not dictate your life.  If this were the case, then there would be no need for medication or therapy.  You would just be willing to let your mental illness control your life.  But that's not the way it is.  I am on medication.  I have visited with therapists.  With help, I am conquering my mental illnesses.  When something goes wrong, I want the blame to be on me, not my damaged brain.  I am not my brain.  I am not a color.  I am not my body.

A Funny Thing, Anxiety

Some people are afraid of heights.  Some people are claustrophobic.  Some people are uncomfortable being in the dark.  Some people are terrified of spiders.
Those people are weird.
But then I remember that I'm afraid of people.
That I'm weird.
Heights don't bother me.  In fact, I love high places.  They offer a unique view of the world.
I'm not claustrophobic.  I prefer tight spaces.  Put me in an open field all by myself.  That's how to freak me out.  At least in a tight spot you can see what all is around you.
I'll admit, the dark does me uncomfortable.
Spiders are cool!  I mean, not when you're driving on the highway and a spider slides down its web into your line of vision.  But everywhere else, spiders are cool.
People are terrifying!  People are capable of thought and judgement, and that's scary.  I often wish I could read minds just so I knew if and what people were thinking about me.  Eye contact is especially scary.  You don't exist until you make eye contact with someone, right?
Anxiety is a funny, though.
As much as I don't want to be around people, I also crave attention.  I want to fit in.  But that's hard to do when eye contact makes me shudder.  But when given the choice between public speaking and bungee jumping into a pit of snakes, the snakes always win.  (And no, I've never been offered that choice before.)
I find it funny when people tell me I'm easy going and relaxed.  I've had people tell me that I just go with the flow.  It's easy going with the flow.  It's more difficult being the flow.  And being easy going helps avoid conflict.  Everything I do is to keep me from being a social outcast.  I am the quiet guy in the group pretending to fit in.
Carson Daly, host of The Voice, recently admitted to having severe social anxiety.  Carson Daly, whose job it is to stand in front of huge crowds of people and help put on a show.  But if you look closely, you'll see.  He is constantly on the move, tapping a foot or a finger, soldiering on.  What a guy!  Able to do what he loves, even though he's terrified of what he loves.  He's someone to look up to.  Hopefully I can reach that level in life.  That's all I want.

Superheroes

In a world where everyday people go about their business, a super villain rises up out of the shadows.  When all hope seems lost, a group of superheroes stands up for what is right.  Meet the Mhavengers!  (MHA = Mental Health Awareness)
The leader of the Mhavengers is Captain Caution, whose anxiety leads her in safety and thinking things through.  She is followed by Kid Koncentrate, whose ADHD helps him outmaneuver bad guys.  The last member of the team is Artbringer, whose depression helps him feel things more deeply than most.  Together, the Mhavengers bring hope and joy to a scary world.  These are the adventures of the Mhavengers.
Let's take a look at Captain Caution first.  There's a reason she is the leader.  Her ability to think things through keeps her and her team safe.  Rather than acting spontaneously, Captain Caution looks for the best outcome in battle.  She looks at all of her options.  Every option has pros and cons.  Which option has the least cons?  Captain Caution's power of Racing Thoughts helps her to make quick decisions.  She has never lost a team member because she thinks things through.
Captain Caution's weakness, though, is her own mind.  Racing Thoughts is a super power, but also a weakness.  When one's mind is working at the speed of light, it's easy, and inevitable, to go from positive to negative thoughts in a millisecond.  Captain Caution uses the power of optimism when making decisions.  This helps her stay on a positive train of thought.
Next up is Kid Koncentrate.  His ADHD makes him a difficult target to hit.  Always on the move, Kid Koncentrate is always one step ahead of his foes.  And with his super power, Wandering Eyes, Kid Koncentrate is able to notice obstacles that his teammates might have missed.  His impulses are kept in check by Captain Caution.  But when things are looking bad, Captain Caution lets Kid Koncentrate loose.  Enemies won't even know what hit them.
Kid Koncentrate's weakness, like Captain Caution's, is his super power.  His Wandering Eyes may lose focus at times.  When told to be on the look out for something, Kid Koncentrate often fails to find what he is searching for.  He notices all the details except those that are important for the task at hand.
The last member of the Mhavengers is Artbringer.  Artbringer's depression leaves him feeling emotions very strongly.  He can perfectly empathize with the people he is saving.  By putting himself in their shoes, Artbringer is able to find a way to overcome the challenges set before him.  Artbringer's super power is Creativity.  This power helps Artbringer get his team through tough times.  By thinking outside of the box, Artbringer is able to bring villains to justice using the element of surprise.  Everyone has their own unique style of creativity.  Whatever Artbringer creates is sure to leave villains speechless.
Artbringer's weakness is his emotions.  By feeling things so deeply, Artbringer is often brought down by the weight of his feelings and the feelings of others.  He finds that he is unable to continue on in the battle.  But he always rises above this.  And that is a super power in its own right.
The next time you or someone you know complains about a mental disorder that can at times seem like a plague, open up the adventures of the Mhavengers.  These people are real.  Their powers are real.  The woman you walked past in the mall might be Captain Caution.  The 5th grader fidgeting at his desk might be Kid Koncentrate.  And the man painting in the park to fight off his demons might be Artbringer.  Together, they are making the world a better a place.