On Being Genuine

Having worked in customer service for almost ten years, I had to learn how to put on a smile and pretend like everyone was my friend.  I treated rude, angry customers with respect and kindness, even though I would have loved nothing more than to turn my back and pretend they didn't exist.  Or, on the very rare occasion, I wished I could just strangle them.  But I did what I was trained to do: grin and bear it.

After leaving the world of customer service, I struggled with truly caring about the needs of others.  I didn't have to pretend anymore, so I'd become almost completely numb to those around me.  After I began mannying, I had to relearn how to care.  Did I really care if a kid's favorite color is blue?  Not at all.  But it mattered to the kid I was working with.  After a while, I learned that something as simple as the color blue can be especially important to children.  I had to learn to care about the color blue.  This led to me caring about favorite foods and animals, which led me to truly caring about the little individual I was spending so much time with.  I learned to look outside of myself and to genuinely love someone else.

I am now living in a studio apartment in Idaho.  It's just me and my cat.  The thing about the part of Idaho I'm in is that the majority of the population is of the same faith, myself included.  What I find interesting, though, is that I struggle finding genuine people.  I've been here for a little over three months, and I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable turning to if I need help.  And guess what?  The first person that comes to mind isn't of my faith.

Weird, huh?

Even at my job as a middle school study hall teacher, I find that my most caring, genuine students are not of my faith.  In a community where everyone thinks and believes the same thing, it has become easy to put on a smile and pretend like everyone is your friend.  I have no idea why.  Maybe because everyone has the same beliefs, they're afraid to mess up.  So they don't exhibit their true selves, making the only genuine people in town the ones who believe differently.

So what can I do?

I wrote about putting myself out there in my last post.  I am continuing to do that, even though it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  I finally broke down this past Sunday.  I had an anxiety attack just thinking about going to church, where I am just a wallflower that no one notices.  I was half way to the church building when I turned myself around and went back to the apartment.

I promised myself I would never do that again.  I need to keep putting myself out there.

So when I saw a post on Facebook from a young couple from church looking for a ride to the airport, I offered to drive them.  I'll admit, I waited a couple of hours after seeing the post, hoping someone else would offer.  But after thinking about it, I realized that I shouldn't have hesitated.  I decided to put this young couple's needs over my own insecurities.  It felt good.  It felt genuine.  I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if no one else ever offered.  That's what it's like around here.  Well wishes and goodbyes, but not much in the way of serving others.

No genuine kindness.

I'm not about that life.  I am going to continue on in my journey to put myself out there and genuinely care for those around me.  No more fake smiles for me.

 

Putting Myself Out There

In the last week of August, I packed up all of my stuff and moved back to Idaho.  It was a long drive for just me and my cat, but I got to see some family and friends on the way.  On September 6, I moved into my studio apartment.  For the first time in my life, I was living by myself, with my closest family members about three hours away.  For the first time in my life, I was truly alone.

Before leaving Pennsylvania, I had been in therapy for about a year.  One of the big issues my therapist and I tackled was socializing, which, even now, is terrifying for me.  But I took all of my therapist's suggestions to heart, I practiced continuing conversations with people I already knew, and I felt good about meeting new people in Idaho.

I have been in Idaho for almost three months, now, and I have gone way out of my comfort zone putting myself out there for everyone to see.  I can't help but laugh at how putting myself out there looks so much different from other people putting themselves out there.

I attend church every Sunday.  I sit alone.  A few people talk to me.  I continue the conversation by asking follow up questions.  I am putting myself out there.

I attend church parties.  I sit alone.  A few people talk to me.  I continue the conversation by asking follow up questions.  I am putting myself out there.

I attend a class aimed towards people my age.  Everyone is much older.  I sit alone.  I am putting myself out there.

I eat lunch with my colleagues at work.  I'm not alone.  I join in on the conversation.  I laugh.  I am putting myself out there.

It doesn't look like much.  I know I could be doing a lot more, but I'm proud of the level of effort I'm currently putting into socializing and meeting new people.  I am way outside of my comfort zone even just thinking about conversing with others.  But I do it anyways.

The last three months have been lonely and difficult, but I continue to put myself out there.  One of these days, I will find deep and meaningful connections, but I have to keep trying.  I have to keep putting myself out there.

 

Underdog

I love Alicia Keys's new song "Underdog"!  In it, she sings about people who are struggling through life but continue to live with a positive outlook.  I especially love the chorus.

"So I sing a song for the hustlers trading at the bus stop

Single mothers waiting on a check to come

Young teachers, student doctors

Sons on the front line knowing they don't get to run

This goes out to the underdog

Keep on keeping at what you love

You'll find that someday soon enough

You will rise up, rise up, yeah"

These are people so overlooked that, I'll admit, I never would have considered them underdogs.  Single mothers (and single fathers) are some of the strongest people there are.  Young teachers and student doctors are beginning amazing and meaningful careers.  And everyone praises the soldiers fighting for their country.

Then I think back on my life.  I've been attending college on and off for almost ten years.  I spent seven years in a low wage job before beginning my college student dream of Mannying.  I have multiple health problems, both physical and mental.  And I can't whistle or snap my fingers.  Doesn't get more underdog then that, right?

So what keeps me going?  Like Alicia said, "Keep on keeping at what you love".  As much as I don't love college, I love my major and look forward to what I can do and become as a school counselor.  The kids I currently work with are a huge blessing in my life and I love seeing them every week.  My parents are honestly the best and most supportive people in the world.  And I have a cat that loves me so much, she's sleeping on my chest as I type this up.  Life is good, and I just have to always remember that.

'Man's Search For Meaning' Book Review

I kind of cheated this week.  This is actually paper I had to write for my History and Systems of Psychology class.

Man's Search for Meaning Book Review

Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning has been a must-read for decades. Frankl's portrayals of his experiences in Auschwitz are both haunting and enlightening. The book is split into two sections: Frankl's experiences in Auschwitz and other concentration camps; and a detailed description of logotherapy and its uses. While at the concentration camps, Frankl described the hardships he and his colleagues faced. He mentioned the pains and illnesses suffered in the camps and how he was able to rise above them all and stay optimistic. Years later, after returning to normal every day life, Frankl coined the term logotherapy, which he defined as “the meanings to be fulfilled by the patient in his future” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 98). In other words, logotherapy helps patients reevaluate their lives so they can make the changes needed to live a happier life. Frankl then gave different examples of how he has used logotherapy to help various patients.

While in the concentration camps, Frankl witnessed many of his fellow prisoners give up on life. They had lost their meaning for living. Because of his medical experience, Frankl was put to work as a camp medic. He saw a lot of illness and death. For many of the deaths, though, Frankl believes the cause to be a mental shut down of sorts. Living in a concentration takes a toll on a person and it is easy to give up. The men he saw die were usually the ones who had given up on life. This goes to show how important it is to have a meaning in life.

The second part of the book explains logotherapy, which Frankl used to help people renew their sense of purpose. He gave examples of different methods he used with his patients. One method Frankl used, which was the basis of logotherapy, was the paradoxical intention. Frankl discovered that by having someone willingly try to react to their fears, they would find that they physically could not react. Frankl gave the example of a boy who had a stutter. The boy got caught hitching a ride on a streetcar and attempted to exaggerate his stuttering for sympathy. He actually didn't stutter at all. By forcing himself to do something he did involuntarily, he was able overcome it (Frankl, V., 1959, pp.126). The goal of using logotherapy is to reestablish someone's meaning. When someone is feelin helpless and just wants to give up, usually by suicide, logotherapy can be used to help the subject overcome their struggle and reawaken their sense of meaning.

The part of the book that stood out to me the most was in part two when Frankl discussed the existential vaccuum. Frankl defines the existential vaccuum as a person's “inner emptiness, a void within themselves” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 106). This is my first semester at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I had been attending a community college in my home state of Pennsylvania before moving out west. I have experienced the existential vacuum first hand. Other than going to my classes, church, and work, I spent a lot of my time in bed. I felt empty inside, often wondering if I had made the right choice in moving out west. I know what I want to do with my life, but with over three years left of college, I wondered if it was worth it.

There was a particular day I was really struggling in my search for motivation and meaning. The next day, in part two of Man's Search for Meaning, I read the following: “...everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 109). This simple sentence, and a few lines before, really struck me. Not only did my life have meaning, but I was the only one who could fulfill it.

After eventually getting my Masters degree, I plan on being a middle school guidance counselor. I love working with kids, especially in the pre- to young teen ages. I have been working with children through Church and my job for years. After reading the line mentioned above, I realized that maybe I am the only one who can help a certain child in the future. My eyes were opened from reading Frankl's words. And my meaning reasserted itself. College made sense to me again. Even though it is difficult right now, the end goal is what should be my priority.

Frankl's book, though difficult in parts, was a great read for me. It truly changed my perspective on what life is about. I have a new outlook on life that I pray I will never become blind to. 

 

Works Cited

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Mans search for meaning. Boston: Beacon Press.

Never Give Up

As Sia once said in her song "Never Give Up", "never give up".  When times get hard, just keep going.  When you fail, try again.  Never give up.
As a teenager, I was a quitter.  I had very low self-efficacy.  I didn't try hard in school because I knew I would fail.  I thought I knew.  As an adult and college student, I have learned that enduring what seems impossible is the best way to move on in life.  I have been getting good grades in college.  I do all the assignments I need to do.  I don't give up before I even begin.
When I graduated high school, all I wanted was to get a job working with kids to help me pay for college.  I sent application after application.  After seven years of working in the food industry, I never quit applying to jobs.  I got a couple, but they fell through the cracks eventually.  So when I finally landed my current job with the boys, I was thrilled!  Seven years is a long time.  It would have been easy to just accept the fact that I would be stuck serving pizzas to hangry customers.  But through patience and determination, I was emancipated from the grease pit I worked in.  And I've never been happier.
Two years ago, I applied to attend Brigham Young University's Idaho campus.  I was told they have a 99% acceptance rate.  I was sure to get in.
I didn't.
That burst my bubble.  And having my bubble burst hurt!  So I continued at the community college, raising my GPA.  This year, I reapplied to BYU-I.  I got in!  Because I didn't give up.  I worked harder to achieve what I wanted.  And I got it.
The next line in Sia's song is "I'll find my way".  I feel that I have found my way.  I now know what I am capable of.  And, to quote another Sia song, "I am titanium".