I Am the Perfect Housewife

I know what you're thinking: "Dude, you're a dude!"  Thanks for noticing, it really means a lot.  But if you really know me, I think you'd agree.  I am the perfect housewife.
First off, I love working with kids.  I've been mannying now for almost three years.  After being a middle school guidance counselor, my dream job would be a stay at home dad.  I understand kids and know how to work with them.  It just comes naturally to me.  A mother's instinct, if you will.
I also love to cook.  I've been doing a lot more cooking lately.  Finding new things to cook can be a lot of fun.  Some of my favorite recipes include banana bread, Cajun chicken alfredo, and chicken saag.  Chicken is my area of expertise.
And, believe it or not, I often find joy in cleaning.  Usually after I find the motivation.  I simply love the feeling of accomplishment when I see all the hard work pay off.  I also like to blast music while cleaning.  It keeps me relaxed and focused.
Although traditionally unorthodox, stay at home dads are becoming an increasingly common thing.  Men can be just as nurturing and loving as women can be.  So, although I would most like to work in a school helping kids throughout the roughest part of adolescence, I would also be alright with staying at home to raise my own children.  As a house husband.

Morning Madness

I was being swallowed up by the darkness, as if hands creeping from the shadows were dragging me down to the fears that lived inside my mind.  My thoughts turned to dread, hopelessness, and death.  I was alone on my own little planet without a light to see the way, all the stars burned out.  Madness was taking over.  I truly wished I was dead.

Saturday morning, I woke up to racing thoughts, mostly about failure, debt, and my future.  I was overcome with a feeling of dread of what my life was to become.  I had no money, no hope to pay for my tuition, anxiety over doing online courses, and felt like a failure for having to move back in with my parents.

When I finally made my way out of bed and got my breakfast, my mom came out and asked me to do the dishes when I was done eating.  Still overwhelmed by emotion and fear, I covered my face and just started crying.  I added embarrassment to the list of emotions going through my mind.

The next day, I awoke to the same thoughts swimming around in the front of my brain.  Within two hours, I was on the verge of tears three times.  I kept telling myself that I was better off dead, but was too afraid to actually act out on those thoughts.  I told myself that I needed to be admitted to the hospital, but I don't currently have good insurance.  My anxiety meds finally kicked in, and I was better.  Not 100%, but better.

That evening, I spoke to my parents about the things that were worrying me.  I dropped two of my three online courses, which was a huge relief.

I am doing much better now, back to 100%.  

This isn't easy to share.  It's not easy telling people that you were on the verge of giving up on life.  But I am sharing this for a reason.  On the outside, I may look like I'm doing really well.  But the outside is not a reflection of the inside.  Talking with my parents was a huge help for me.  I would urge anyone who has gone through an episode like I experienced to talk to someone.  Ending your life and giving up is never the answer.  Talk to someone you know will listen.  You can overcome the darkness.

I Am A Masculinist

One day, when I was in sixth grade, I had to give a presentation.  I was so nervous, I started to cry.  My teacher took me out into the hallway, looked me in the eyes, and said "Stop crying, it's time to grow up".  I was shocked.  I was clearly stressed out, and here, a teacher that I happened to like, was scolding me instead of comforting me.  My embarrassment from crying in front of my friends and peers turned into an even greater self-consciousness.  From that moment on, I tried to avoid showing what I thought to be 'unmanly' emotions.  You can imagine how difficult this was to do while living with an anxiety disorder.  My first reaction to a lot of things was to run and hide, to cry, or to do all of the above.
As a teenager and a young adult, I have still struggled with owning up to having anxiety.  Men aren't supposed to be afraid of anything.  And here I am, terrified of people, water, and cars.  I felt like I didn't fit in with the other boys.  To this day, I have more female friends than I do male friends.  I had to find friends who accepted me and 'unmanliness'.  This is why I'm a masculinist.
When I say I am a masculinist, I'm not talking about how men are superior to women, because they're not.  I'm not talking about being a fit, sport loving, COD playing womanizer who drinks beer as a hobby.  I'm talking about being true to myself and my gender.  I'm a sensitive, fun-loving, book worm.  I enjoy tennis, volleyball, and baseball, just for fun.  I like Nintendo games, especially Pokemon.  And I love helping others through their struggles.  I want to live in a masculinist world, where men aren't embarrassed and discouraged to talk about their feelings or to cry when they're afraid.  A world where women are respected, children are loved, and hearts are whole.  I don't know if I'll ever see a world like this in my lifetime, but I can do my best to help develop it for future generations.

The Good American

One of my all time favorite movies is Under the Same Moon, or La Misma Luna in it's original Spanish.  The story follows Carlos, a young boy in Mexico who is waiting for his mom, who is in Los Angeles, to make enough money to bring him to the United States.  Carlos eventually tries to find his own way into the States.  After many hardships, he is finally reunited with his mother.

This movie came out in 2008.  The trials Carlos faced on his journey to find his mother are nothing like the trials families are facing today on the Texas-Mexico border.  Parents and children are arriving at the border together looking for a better life only to be forcefully separated and kept apart for who knows how long.  They are being kept in unsafe, unsanitary, and inhumane accommodations.

One of the main arguments I hear is that the parents should have thought of the consequences before they tried to illegally enter the United States.  This argument is valid.  But aren't the consequences a little extreme?  People are trying to join our great nation, to find freedom and peace.  Instead, we are giving them more terror and hardships.  Shouldn't we be willing to help them on their journey to citizenship?

Christ's parable of the Good Samaritan comes to mind.  The Levites and the Samaritans didn't get along at all.  When a Levite man was beaten and robbed, left to die on the side of the road, the only person that helped him was a Samaritan.  Two men walked right past their Levite brother, not willing to help.  The man who was supposed to be the enemy is the one who stopped to help.

Now, let's rewrite the story.  A Mexican family is struggling in their native country.  Their own government is doing nothing to assist them.  So the family flees to what is said to be the greatest country in all the world to find help, even though they know of the hatred that flows throughout this free nation to which they are escaping.

I'll stop the story there.  We already know how this story ends.  It ends without a Good Samaritan.  Let's change that.  Let's be the one they need to find peace in their lives.  Let's be the Good American.

As I Have Loved You...

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  As a member of this church, I was taught at a young age to love everyone and treat everyone equally.  This doesn't mean I have to agree with everyone.  I don't disagree out of hate; that would go against my beliefs.  I disagree because of my beliefs.  Allow me to explain.
One of the core beliefs in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that we lived in Heaven before we came to Earth.  We call this the Premortal Existence.  We lived as spirits in the Premortal Existence, and we were born of heavenly parents.  Our spirits had the same genders we were born with in this mortal world.  For example, even in the Premortal Existence, I was a male.
Another core belief is that families can be together forever.  We believe that marriage is between a man and woman and that, if they are able, they are obligated to have children so that those spirits waiting in the Premortal Existence can also have a chance to obtain a body.
These are a couple of the beliefs of the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  We as members are entitled to these beliefs.  We are not, however, entitled to being hateful and disrespectful to those who don't live our beliefs.  We are all free agents, free to make our own life choices. 
Something I found interesting was the fact that "only 40 percent of Mormons favor allowing same-sex couples to marry, yet nearly 7-in-10 (69 percent) support laws that would protect LGBT people from discrimination in housing, public accommodations, and employment" (Dallas, 2018).  Even though we don't agree with same-sex marriage, we are still willing to protect the rights of the members of the LGBTQ+ community.
My New Year's resolution for this year was to treat others the way Christ would treat them.  I strongly believe that Christ loves everyone, no matter how they choose to live their lives, even if it's not in accordance with what He taught.  Christ loves unconditionally.  I think we need less arguing and politics, and more unconditional love in this world.

Works Cited

Dallas, K. (2018). Mormons stand out from other faith groups for their views on LGBT rights. [online]    DeseretNews.com. Available at: https://www.deseretnews.com/article/900017419/mormons-stand-out-from-other-faith-groups-for-their-views-on-lgbt-rights.html [Accessed 14 Jun. 2019].

Getting Back in the Groove

As I mentioned last week, I have been attending a recreational therapy program called THRIVE.  It is aimed towards people with depression and/or anxiety and helping them cope with life.  One of the main purposes of THRIVE is creating goals and seeing them through.  We meet in accountability groups at the end of each session to see how we're doing with our goals.
Since I started attending THRIVE, I have noticed that I have become much more motivated and happier.  My younger brother said he noticed the same thing.  Since beginning THRIVE, I have been going to the gym, I changed up my eating habits, started meeting with a wellness coach, and started truly enjoying life.  I still get anxious and depressed, but I now have a better grip on reality.
One week at THRIVE, we talked about finding our flow.  Flow is experienced when you are doing something you absolutely enjoy and that seems to come naturally for you.  Time seems to slow down and nothing else matters.  I experience flow the most when I'm brainstorming photo ideas and executing those ideas.  Photography is my thing.  Time slows down and nothing but my ideas and photos matters.  Flow is when we are feeling the most at ease.
I am truly grateful for the THRIVE program and all that I have learned there.  I was beginning to think that a change in medication or dosage was the only thing to get me out of the funk I was in.  But I can attest that therapy, along with medication, is the best way to get back into the groove of things.

A Great(er) Depression

What can I say?  Idaho is just a depressing place.  I spent almost all of February through April hating life and hating myself.  I hid it well.  On the outside, I was a happy young man with a couple small issues.  But inside, I didn't know who I was anymore.  I went through all the motions: get up, eat, go back to bed, go to work, go back to bed.
When school started, things began to change.  My depression was still there, but not as intense as it had been.  I actually had things to do with my day.  I woke up in the morning, went to class(es), went to work, then back to bed.
My therapist, who is amazing, by the way, recommended a program on campus called THRIVE (I'm not sure why it's all caps, it doesn't stand for anything).  THRIVE has helped me so much.  It's a recreational therapy group that helps me and others in my situation learn how to deal with life.  Because of THRIVE, I have become motivated to go to the gym three days a week, to meet up with a wellness adviser to help me with my nutrition, and to simply see the good things in life.  I'm more motivated to try new things.  I'm not nearly as anxious as I normally am, and my depression is completely gone.
I guess my message is this:  Get out of your comfort zone and try something new.  I'm still taking my medications as prescribed.  But instead of increasing my dosage, my doctor suggested THRIVE, socializing, and trying new things.  I realize this is much easier said than done, but it works.  I have found myself again.  I am in a much better place.

Adulting: The First 10 Years

Last week, I celebrated my 28th birthday.  On Monday, I went roller skating.  I only fell on my bum three times.  On Tuesday, I saw Captain Marvel.  And on Wednesday, my actual birthday, I worked.  Such is the life of an adult.

I have now had ten years of adulting experience.  I hate to say it, but I still don't know how to be an adult.  In just two years, I'll have spent about a third of life as an adult, I wouldn't be surprised if I am still as clueless as I am today.

Things have gotten easier, though.  Since moving out to Idaho, I feel that I have become a more responsible person.  I've definitely learned the value of money, that's for sure.  I used to think $5 was nothing.  Now I feel greatly humbled and blessed anytime I receive a dollar bill.

My body is starting to go.  My knee is doing some weird things and I can never seem to sleep in a position that my neck likes.  Not to mention the white hairs popping up like dandelions in my sideburns.

Overall, life is good.  I learn new things weekly, usually the hard way.  But that's just life.

It Always Works Out pt. 2

In my last post, "It Always Works Out", I talked about my financial troubles and asking for help.  Something that has been weighing heavily on my mind is the mental stress I was going through.  My anxiety levels were through the roof, and I  was more depressed than I had ever been in my life.  During this time, a thought came to me.  I truly understood why people end their own lives.  As depressed as I was, I never got to the point where I wanted to commit suicide.  But I was fully aware of why others would or already have.  

My life had gotten to a point where there was no hope left for me.  I know it was just my anxiety talking to me, but I believed it for awhile.  There was no way I was ever going to get out of the financial hole I had dug myself in to.  At least, not alone.  And that's why I called my bishop and accepted free food storage.  I knew exactly who to talk to help me solve some of my problems.  And I made it through because of the assistance I received.

In past posts, I have compared life to many different things.  In this case, life is like a road leading to the sunset.  My road hadn't ended yet.  Hopefully I still have many miles to go before I reach my sunset.  My message to you is to not give up, no matter how difficult life gets.  Take some time right now to think of who you can reach out to if your life hits a low point.  No one wants to see your road end too early.  Keep going strong.

It Always Works Out

For a while, certain things in my life seemed to come easily.  My Pennsylvania health care coverage, for example.  I applied for information from Medicaid.  Instead of information, they gave me free coverage.  Not what I asked for, but I didn't complain.  Another example is when I moved out to Idaho expecting to job hunt for a few weeks.  Instead, I got a job offer my first day in Idaho.  Until recently, things always seemed to fall into place for me.

To make a long story short, 2018 was a very expensive year for me, what with car repairs, buying a new (to me) car, then having to make repairs on that car, followed by my cat getting sick and having to pay vet bills.  Fortunately, I had more money saved up than I had ever had.  Unfortunately, I used all of it.  Up until a week ago, I had $40 in the bank.  I now have $9.  I started a new job recently that I absolutely love.  When pay day came around, I called my boss to see if I was getting a check or if my direct deposit had been approved.  This was while I still had $40 in the bank.  She informed me that because of the date on which I started, I would be waiting another two weeks for my first paycheck.  

Meanwhile, I barely had any food, I'd missed two credit card payments and a car payment, and my debit card was halted due to my late payments.  I also needed to pay for rent and my Idaho health coverage.

Then, on Valentine's Day, I got a flat tire.

It seemed as though things just kept getting worse.  My amazing younger brother helped me out a lot, but he couldn't cover everything.  It was time to talk to the bishop at my church.

One of the many wonderful things the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has set up is a Bishop's Storehouse.  When an individual or family is tight on money and in need of food, all they need to do is call their bishop.  A food order will be placed to pick up.

I spoke with my bishop and asked for a week's worth of food.  When I picked up my order, I learned that he had ordered about a month's worth of food.  I was a little upset, to be honest.  There were people who needed that food more than I did, I'm sure.  But I couldn't say no to the order after it had already been placed.  I left with bags and bags of food and a slight shade of embarrassment on my face.

A couple days later, I remembered all the payments I had to make with my upcoming paycheck.  I realized that after I made all these payments, I wouldn't have much left over for groceries.  I was relieved, no longer embarrassed, that my bishop had ordered me so much food.  I saw that, even though my bishop is just a man, he was inspired by Heavenly Father.  I will be forever grateful that he ordered more food than I thought I needed.  Things had worked out yet again.

I learned a lot during this trial.  I learned humility.  I learned to better understand God's love for me as an individual.  I learned that, even though it didn't come easily like it usually did for me, everything still worked out in the end.

More Adventures in Babysitting

I got to watch the younger two boys tonight while the oldest and his mom went to the high school for an open house.  (Hard to believe he's going to be in high school next school year!)  The younger boys were sitting, relaxing with their iPads playing Agar.io with each other.  The 7-year old was told by his mom that 7:00 was bath time.  When 7:00 arrived, the iPad was shelved and the 7-year old and I went upstairs to the bathroom.  Okay, actually I had to pry the iPad out of his seemingly adhesive fingers and carry him upstairs, him squirming and laughing the whole way up.

As I filled up the bathtub, the 7-year old went to find a toy to play with.  I guess the battalion of army men and tanks already in the tub weren't enough.  He quickly returned with a magnetic dart board and a paperclip.  He MacGyvered the paperclip into a hook so we could hang the dartboard from the shower curtain rod.  He then stripped down and hopped into the tub, only to sit down and realize he had to pee.

"Oh wait, never mind!"

I drained and refilled the tub and he was finally on his way to cleanliness.  We played a couple rounds of darts and then it was time to clean up.  I couldn't find any shampoo, so I went to the other bathroom to grab some.  When I came back, the bathtub was empty and there were wet footprints leading downstairs.  I found the missing person hiding behind the couch, au naturale.  We made our way back to the bathroom, the 7-year old again laughing the whole way.  He got back in the bathtub, sat down, looked up and me, and smiled a mischievous smile .

That's when the tidal wave hit.

I might as well have been in the tub, too, after how wet I got.  The tidal wave came with splashes and howling winds (or maybe just a howling 7-year old...) and soaked me to the bone.  I never had a chance to get away.

Bath time eventually came to an end.  The bathroom never knew what hit it.

These adventures in babysitting are what keep me going.  There is rarely a dull moment.  And the love and laughter is worth more than the paycheck.  The money is just nice bonus.