Morning Madness

I was being swallowed up by the darkness, as if hands creeping from the shadows were dragging me down to the fears that lived inside my mind.  My thoughts turned to dread, hopelessness, and death.  I was alone on my own little planet without a light to see the way, all the stars burned out.  Madness was taking over.  I truly wished I was dead.

Saturday morning, I woke up to racing thoughts, mostly about failure, debt, and my future.  I was overcome with a feeling of dread of what my life was to become.  I had no money, no hope to pay for my tuition, anxiety over doing online courses, and felt like a failure for having to move back in with my parents.

When I finally made my way out of bed and got my breakfast, my mom came out and asked me to do the dishes when I was done eating.  Still overwhelmed by emotion and fear, I covered my face and just started crying.  I added embarrassment to the list of emotions going through my mind.

The next day, I awoke to the same thoughts swimming around in the front of my brain.  Within two hours, I was on the verge of tears three times.  I kept telling myself that I was better off dead, but was too afraid to actually act out on those thoughts.  I told myself that I needed to be admitted to the hospital, but I don't currently have good insurance.  My anxiety meds finally kicked in, and I was better.  Not 100%, but better.

That evening, I spoke to my parents about the things that were worrying me.  I dropped two of my three online courses, which was a huge relief.

I am doing much better now, back to 100%.  

This isn't easy to share.  It's not easy telling people that you were on the verge of giving up on life.  But I am sharing this for a reason.  On the outside, I may look like I'm doing really well.  But the outside is not a reflection of the inside.  Talking with my parents was a huge help for me.  I would urge anyone who has gone through an episode like I experienced to talk to someone.  Ending your life and giving up is never the answer.  Talk to someone you know will listen.  You can overcome the darkness.

I Am A Masculinist

One day, when I was in sixth grade, I had to give a presentation.  I was so nervous, I started to cry.  My teacher took me out into the hallway, looked me in the eyes, and said "Stop crying, it's time to grow up".  I was shocked.  I was clearly stressed out, and here, a teacher that I happened to like, was scolding me instead of comforting me.  My embarrassment from crying in front of my friends and peers turned into an even greater self-consciousness.  From that moment on, I tried to avoid showing what I thought to be 'unmanly' emotions.  You can imagine how difficult this was to do while living with an anxiety disorder.  My first reaction to a lot of things was to run and hide, to cry, or to do all of the above.
As a teenager and a young adult, I have still struggled with owning up to having anxiety.  Men aren't supposed to be afraid of anything.  And here I am, terrified of people, water, and cars.  I felt like I didn't fit in with the other boys.  To this day, I have more female friends than I do male friends.  I had to find friends who accepted me and 'unmanliness'.  This is why I'm a masculinist.
When I say I am a masculinist, I'm not talking about how men are superior to women, because they're not.  I'm not talking about being a fit, sport loving, COD playing womanizer who drinks beer as a hobby.  I'm talking about being true to myself and my gender.  I'm a sensitive, fun-loving, book worm.  I enjoy tennis, volleyball, and baseball, just for fun.  I like Nintendo games, especially Pokemon.  And I love helping others through their struggles.  I want to live in a masculinist world, where men aren't embarrassed and discouraged to talk about their feelings or to cry when they're afraid.  A world where women are respected, children are loved, and hearts are whole.  I don't know if I'll ever see a world like this in my lifetime, but I can do my best to help develop it for future generations.