Operation: Childspeak

It can be hard trying to talk to a child.  They often have difficulty expressing what they mean or feel.  You sometimes have difficulty simplifying things in a way that your child can understand.  Communication becomes too much to worry about.  It is easier to instead just use your parental authority and tell it like it is.  Sometimes this works.  Other times, it causes your child to shut down and stop listening, or even become argumentative.  This is the last thing you want.  Communicating in this way slowly pushes your children away.  The key to good communication is what I call "childspeak".
Childspeak begins with listening.  Truly listening.  Don't listen to reply, listen to understand.  Don't get frustrated when you can't understand what your child is trying express.  Do some detective work.  With your child's limited vocabulary, what are they trying to say?  Sometimes it's easy.  "My tummy feels funny."  Your child is probably sick or feeling indigestion.  Sometimes it's more difficult.  "I don't like so-and-so."  Ask clarifying questions.  Why do you not like this person?  What does this person do?  How does this person make you feel?  Speaking with a child takes time and patience.  But through your time and patience, your child is being told that you love them and genuinely care about them.  Listening is the most important part of childspeak.
The next part of childspeak is helping your child understand.  Your child won't listen to you if they can't understand what you are saying.  Or if they're simply not interested in what you have to say.  "I need you to clean up this mess."  You probably say that everyday.  And you probably repeat it multiple times throughout the day, usually regarding the same mess.  When the 6-year old I work with needs to clean up a mess, I don't tell him to clean it up.  "I bet I can get a bigger handful than you can!"  I pick up a handful of toys and put them away.  The 6-year old rushes over to the mess and quickly cleans up, trying to pick up more toys than I do.  Children understand fun.  Make cleaning up fun.
For older kids, try to put yourself in their shoes. Why isn't your child listening?  What usually gets their attention?  I try to start a conversation by asking the boys what they are doing.  If the 11-year old is playing a video game, I'll go sit next to him and ask him about the game.  When I feel he is done telling me about the game and I know I have his attention, that is when I begin talking about what I originally came to talk to him about.  How was school?  Did you get along with your teacher today?  By asking about video games first, I was able to get the 11-year old to relax and open up about something he cares about.  This made it easier for him to continue to open up and speak to me.
It's also very important to admit when you are wrong.  By apologizing, you are showing your child humility.  You are also being an example to them.  Your child is more likely to apologize if they hear you doing so.  The same thing applies to saying "thank you", "please", and "you're welcome".  You are showing your child respect and how to respect.
The last part of childspeak is combining the first two steps.  Listening to your child and then helping them understand what you have to say.  I had a great conversation with one of the boys once after he had a good screaming fit with his mother.  I asked simple questions to figure out why he was so angry, what he feels his mother did wrong.  I then helped him understand his mom's point of view.  I told him that screaming never solves anything.  That his mother is more likely to listen if he spoke nicer.  I then told him what I used to do with my parents when I was frustrated.  I would calmly tell my parents to not speak, just listen.  The key word there is calmly.  My parents would agree to listen without speaking.  This way, I knew I had their full attention.  Instead of the annoying interjections I would normally get from my parents, I was able to fully express myself.  Once I was finished, I would tell my parents that they could talk now.  They would then calmly (key word again!) tell me how they felt about what I had said.  What I had right and what I had wrong.  Nice, civil conversations.
Childspeak is based around love.  And the best way to show love is to listen and understand.  Disagreements will still occur, but by handling a situation calmly, you can learn a lot about your children.  And your children will come to love and respect you even more.