Overthinking Respect

When I was working at Pizza Hut, I had a lot of customers come in who were of the Hindu faith.  Although not required, a majority of the Hindus don't eat meat.  They believe in the sanctity of life for every creature.  These customers always emphasized that there should be no meat on their pizza.  On the rare occasion that a piece bacon somehow made its way in with the onions, these customers would ask for a remake.  They would not eat something that even touched a piece of meat.  

As irritating as this was, I just had to remind myself that I needed to respect these customers' beliefs.  I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.  And I certainly didn't want to make anyone feel like they had just committed a sin.

I eat meat.  Mostly chicken.  I don't believe that anything bad will happen if I consume that tiny piece of bacon hidden among the onions.  But the world doesn't revolve around me.  I do my best to remember the needs and concerns of the people around me.

Which brings me to wearing masks.  I hate having to wear a mask.  I hate breathing in the warm, moist air my mask provides.  And I hate trying to readjust my glasses every few minutes so they don't fog up.  But I am one of the many people who believes that wearing a mask can protect you and those around you.

I have some friends who believe they don't need to wear masks.  They think the Coronavirus is no worse than the flu.  I can't say if they're right or wrong.  I'm no doctor or scientist.  What I can say is that we need to respect the choices of the people around us.  Like me, many people in the country believe that wearing a mask can protect themselves and the people around them.  If you don't want to wear a mask for yourself, please at least wear a mask for everyone around you.  You can protest all you want.  You can go mask free when you are around others who feel the same as you do.  But if you need to go pick up a gallon of milk, put a mask on.  

During these crazy times, I can't think of anything more unkind than not wearing a mask in public.  Sure, you're showing that you don't believe wearing them changes anything.  But, perhaps unintentionally, you're also showing that you don't care about the people around you.  The world does not revolve around you.

I just want you to think about this.  Would you serve a vegetarian meat?  No, that's just rude.  Why is wearing a mask any different?

Grandpa Insurance

The last few months of applying for health insurance has been ridiculous.  To lay it out for you in a simple, easy-to-read fashion, I have condensed the past eight months into one conversation with a man I'm calling Grandpa Insurance.

Me (After submitting online insurance application):  Now I wait.

Grandpa Insurance:  I got your application!  Now I just need documents that prove you have a job, you paid your taxes, and you're an American citizen.  You have one month!

Me (Busy with three jobs):  I should probably print out those papers and get them sent in.

Grandpa Insurance:  Too late!  Request denied!

Me:  ...But it's only been two weeks.

Grandpa Insurance:  No, it's been 30 days.  Today's October 10th.

Me:  I submitted my application on September 26th.

Grandpa Insurance: ...Oops.  Well, I already threw out your last application.  Please apply again!

Me (About a month later):  Alright, application sent.

Grandpa Insurance:  I got your application!  Now I just need documents that prove you have a job, you paid your taxes, and you're an American citizen.  You have one month!

Me (Swamped with work again):  Gotta print out those papers!

Grandpa Insurance:  Too late!  Request denied!

Me:  Again!  You only waited two weeks again!

Grandpa Insurance:  Dagnabbit!  I gotta get this watched fixed.  At any rate, please fill out the application again!

Me (A few months later):  Ok, application is sent, and I have my papers ready to print!

Grandpa Insurance:  I got your application!  Now I just need documents that prove you have a job, you paid your taxes, you're an American citizen, you pay for gas, and you have previous medical bills.

Me:  What?!  More paperwork?  

Grandpa Insurance:  Don't shoot the messenger!

Me:  Ok, here's all the paperwork!

Grandpa Insurance:  Great!  Now we can get started!  Oh boy...I need two more pay stubs!

Me:  ...Ok...um...here you go.

Grandpa Insurance:  You're eligible for food stamps!  But not Medicaid.  You need to go through Marketplace.  Please fill out the application again.

Me:  Seriously?

Grandpa Insurance:  Again, just the messenger!

Me:  Alright, here it is.

Grandpa Insurance:  Perfect!  Now I just need to know when you lost your past coverage.

Me:  Um, April 22nd of this year.

Grandpa Insurance:  What about it?

Me:  What about what?

Grandpa Insurance:  April 22nd of this year.

Me:  You asked for the date I lost my previous coverage.

Grandpa Insurance:  No I didn't.  Now you need to fill out the application again.

Me:  A fifth time?!

Grandpa Insurance:  Messenger!

Me:  Ok, ok, here it is.

Grandpa Insurance:  Perfect!  You are now ready to pick a plan!  Please be aware that because you make barely any money, you are not eligible for a tax credit.  You will need to pay full price for whichever plan you choose.  The cheapest plan we have is $230 a month with an $8,600 deductible.

Me:  An $8,600 deductible?!  What's even the point of having the insurance?

Grandpa Insurance:  After the deductible is met, we'll pay for everything!

Me:  Is there a plan that has a smaller deductible?

Grandpa Insurance:  How about $7,200?

Me:  No.

Grandpa Insurance:  Wait!  I found one with a $0 deductible!  But your whole month's income would go to paying for it.

Me:  Ok, give me some time to figure this out.

Grandpa Insurance:  You have until the end of June.

Me (To myself):  What am I gonna-

Grandpa Insurance:  Just kidding!  Have free health insurance!  Have food stamps!  Have help paying for past bills!

Me:  What?

Grandpa Insurance:  Didn't ya hear me, boy?  You're fully covered!  No cost!

Me:  So what was with all the red tape?!  That was super stressful!

Grandpa Insurance:  Like I said-

Me:  Yeah, yeah, you're just the messenger.

This is a light-hearted, humerous look at the long struggle it took me to get fully covered.  It plays out like a joke because, in reality, applying and getting coverage is a joke.  It shouldn't be so complicated to have your health needs met.  But that's just how the world is these days.  I'm super grateful to have finally been found eligible for full coverage, though!

First Hand Account

As mentioned a few posts ago, I have been experiencing symptoms that I've had two doctors say may be coming from a mass growing on my pituitary gland.  Since then, I have been working on getting better health insurance.  I was already covered, so I wasn't rushing.  Until I got a bill for some blood work I had done in January.  It was almost $500!  And I had another bill coming for blood work I had done beginning of March.  I got on my computer right away and applied for Medicaid.  They needed a bunch of paperwork, which I got to them as quickly as I could.  I got an email about two weeks later saying that I was not eligible for Medicaid.  The email directed me to a website and phone number for Marketplace, where I could shop around for health insurance based on my income.  There were no other directions other than to go to the website or call the number.

I tried the website first, to find absolutely no directions on what needed to be done.  So I called the number.  The lady I talked to filled out a new application with me and told me she needed a couple more papers from me and the date of when my prior coverage ended.  I called the number again today and spoke with someone different.  I told him I had the date my coverage ended, which just so happened to be today (I didn't get a letter from them or anything!).  The man I was talking to told me he didn't need a date, just the paperwork.  I asked a couple questions, confused and frustrated, and he recommended doing the application again.  So that's what we did.  In a matter of a month, I've applied for insurance three times.

Based on my income, the man on the phone was able to set me up with Marketplace.  I am finally ready to choose my coverage.  The man on the phone made sure to tell me, though, that because of my low income, I wasn't eligible for a tax credit and I'd have to pay full price for coverage.  The plans range between $230 and $570 a month.  There were a few reasonable options, until I took a closer look.  For $230 a months, I would have full coverage, meaning I wouldn't pay a thing, after an $8,600 deductible.

I still haven't picked a plan.  I'm going to sit down with my parents and have them help me out.

I am absolutely disgusted at all the red tape I had to go through just to find out that because I don't make a lot of money, health coverage is extra expensive for me.  I honestly wouldn't mind paying $230 a month for coverage.  It's the ridiculous $8,600 deductible I don't understand!  I wouldn't worry so much if I didn't have an MRI coming up.  And, depending on what the MRI shows, I may need to have surgery as well.  I can't pay for any of this!

You better believe that I'll be writing an email to my local congressman, senator, or whoever about this issue.  It just doesn't make any sense!  Taking care of one's self should not be a decision between paying for medical bills or paying for food and shelter.  I am blessed to be living with my parents who are always willing to help out financially.  But I see their struggles, too, and I don't want to have to rely on them.  I want cheaper, if not free, health care/coverage.  I want to live a long, happy life.  I don't want that to be dependent on my income.  It's just not fair!

Fiery Serpents 2020

Remember that one time that God sent fiery serpents among the children of Israel to get them to behave?  I don't, personally, but I do remember reading about it in the Old Testament.  Those who were bitten were offered a cure.  All they had to do was look at a brass serpent that Moses lifted up.  That small, simple act of faith in God cured many people.  But there were many others who suffered and died because they thought the cure was too simple to actually work.  They lacked the faith they needed to be healed.
We have a new fiery serpent among us today in the form of the Coronavirus.  While I'll admit that staying in or around the house 24/7 is not at all a simple act, wearing masks out in public is.  I was surprised to see how many people on Facebook are complaining about tyranny and being told that they must wear masks in order to get groceries.  People don't like being forced to do things.
The masks, in this case, are the brass serpent.  Wearing a mask in public, though a minor annoyance, is a simple act to protect yourself and others around you.  Whether you believe in the Coronavirus or not, wearing a mask is something simple you can do without complaining.
The main difference between Moses's brass serpent and today's brass serpent is the lack of prophetic authority.  By looking at the brass serpent Moses lifted up, you were showing faith in God through his prophet.  It's easier to question today's Moseses (government leaders, doctors, etc.) because people have so many differing opinions on said authorities.  Instead of trying to decide who to listen to, maybe you should decide for yourself.  Put yourself in other peoples' shoes.  Just because you don't believe masks will work doesn't mean they won't.  The people around you wearing masks seem to think they work, and they're wearing them for your protection, as well as their own.
The moral of the story is to think about what is being asked of you.  If it's something simple and harmless, with the best of intentions, just go with.  Wear the mask.  Look up at the brass serpent.

Isolation: A Short Story

A long time ago, my name was used to signify royalty.  Honor.  Protection.

Now it brings only fear.

I'll be forever grateful to the man who brought me here, to this cabin in the woods.  No one around for me to harm.  

I'm also sorry that he had to get hurt to help me.

I've been here for three weeks now.  Alone.  I gave up watching television, seeing my name in the headlines.  The number of people I've hurt.  I stay on the music stations, letting the beats and rhythms drown my thoughts.

Sleeping is difficult.  I lay awake most nights trying and failing to not think about my past.  I spent my whole life reaching out for someone to love me.  But among all the people I've encountered, I knew I was alone.  I knew I would always be alone.

So I ran.

I was fortunate to find this cabin.  All the furniture was covered in a thick layer of dust.  The kitchen was almost empty.  I've had to ration my meals.  I was thrilled when I found the cable box still worked.

I think I've made the best of things.  I'm feeling lighter than I have in a long time.  Music drowning my loneliness.  A game of solitaire on the table.  Even the bookshelf is still stocked with some reading material.  I'm keeping busy, distracting myself.  

I found seeds in one of the kitchen pantries.  A plot of soil in the back yard.  On sunny days, I go out and tend to my little garden.  The beans sprouted quickly.

Everything is fine.  I am fine.

I head back inside, my sprouts freshly watered, glistening in the sun.  A song comes on that I love.  The perfect amount of bass.  I turn it up, begin to dance.  I live for moments like this, where I can be free to be me.  Enjoy the music.  Enjoy life.  I close my eyes as I dance.

I don't see the headlights.  I don't hear the voices, the children's excited laughter.  I open my eyes in time to see the door handle turn.  I freeze, feeling a fear I haven't felt in days.  My chest tightens.  I think of the last people I saw.  The last people I hurt.  In Wuhan.  Milan.  Madrid.  New York.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.

I see a face, the confusion in the eyes.

The intake of breath.

I'm sorry.  West Virginia, I'm so sorry.

Overthinking the Past Week (March 7-13, 2020)

I know it's not Thursday, but here's a new post anyways.

This past week has been quite the roller coaster ride.  It started last Saturday at work when I began having pain in my ribs.  I took some pain killers and kept going.  About half an hour later, my legs got really weak and shaky.  I left work a few hours early.

On Monday, I called off work and went to Urgent Care.  I was still experiencing rib pain and a lot of weakness.  After some x-rays and an EKG, it was determined that the weakness was possibly a result to a mass I have growing on my pituitary gland.  I've known about this mass since 2013, but it hasn't grown or caused any worries for me over the years.  

As for my rib pain, let's just say that I was in need of some laxatives.

Also on Monday, my  younger sister gave birth to her first child.  Yay for nephew number three!

On Tuesday, I left work early.

On Wednesday, the weakness and shakiness was still going on.  I was given the day off of work.  I saw my primary care provider and he ordered some blood work and an MRI.  He also asked me about my history of chest pain.  He said that the mass on my brain could be affecting my prolactin levels.  In other words, if my sister ever got tired of nursing, I might've been able to help out.  The blood work came back normal, though.  I'm not lactating!  Thank goodness!  And I am scheduled to get an MRI in a little over a week.

My anxiety has been so high this week that I seemingly don't even care anymore.  I've thought of every outcome to my issues.  I've thought of dropping out of school to help pay for medical bills, which there is still a chance might happen.  I've thought about the possible minor surgery I would need if the mass turns out to be a tumor.  I've thought of everything.  Now I'm so numb to the anxiety, the only thing I can think is "Bring it on".

Underdog

I love Alicia Keys's new song "Underdog"!  In it, she sings about people who are struggling through life but continue to live with a positive outlook.  I especially love the chorus.

"So I sing a song for the hustlers trading at the bus stop

Single mothers waiting on a check to come

Young teachers, student doctors

Sons on the front line knowing they don't get to run

This goes out to the underdog

Keep on keeping at what you love

You'll find that someday soon enough

You will rise up, rise up, yeah"

These are people so overlooked that, I'll admit, I never would have considered them underdogs.  Single mothers (and single fathers) are some of the strongest people there are.  Young teachers and student doctors are beginning amazing and meaningful careers.  And everyone praises the soldiers fighting for their country.

Then I think back on my life.  I've been attending college on and off for almost ten years.  I spent seven years in a low wage job before beginning my college student dream of Mannying.  I have multiple health problems, both physical and mental.  And I can't whistle or snap my fingers.  Doesn't get more underdog then that, right?

So what keeps me going?  Like Alicia said, "Keep on keeping at what you love".  As much as I don't love college, I love my major and look forward to what I can do and become as a school counselor.  The kids I currently work with are a huge blessing in my life and I love seeing them every week.  My parents are honestly the best and most supportive people in the world.  And I have a cat that loves me so much, she's sleeping on my chest as I type this up.  Life is good, and I just have to always remember that.

I Am the Perfect Housewife

I know what you're thinking: "Dude, you're a dude!"  Thanks for noticing, it really means a lot.  But if you really know me, I think you'd agree.  I am the perfect housewife.
First off, I love working with kids.  I've been mannying now for almost three years.  After being a middle school guidance counselor, my dream job would be a stay at home dad.  I understand kids and know how to work with them.  It just comes naturally to me.  A mother's instinct, if you will.
I also love to cook.  I've been doing a lot more cooking lately.  Finding new things to cook can be a lot of fun.  Some of my favorite recipes include banana bread, Cajun chicken alfredo, and chicken saag.  Chicken is my area of expertise.
And, believe it or not, I often find joy in cleaning.  Usually after I find the motivation.  I simply love the feeling of accomplishment when I see all the hard work pay off.  I also like to blast music while cleaning.  It keeps me relaxed and focused.
Although traditionally unorthodox, stay at home dads are becoming an increasingly common thing.  Men can be just as nurturing and loving as women can be.  So, although I would most like to work in a school helping kids throughout the roughest part of adolescence, I would also be alright with staying at home to raise my own children.  As a house husband.

Morning Madness

I was being swallowed up by the darkness, as if hands creeping from the shadows were dragging me down to the fears that lived inside my mind.  My thoughts turned to dread, hopelessness, and death.  I was alone on my own little planet without a light to see the way, all the stars burned out.  Madness was taking over.  I truly wished I was dead.

Saturday morning, I woke up to racing thoughts, mostly about failure, debt, and my future.  I was overcome with a feeling of dread of what my life was to become.  I had no money, no hope to pay for my tuition, anxiety over doing online courses, and felt like a failure for having to move back in with my parents.

When I finally made my way out of bed and got my breakfast, my mom came out and asked me to do the dishes when I was done eating.  Still overwhelmed by emotion and fear, I covered my face and just started crying.  I added embarrassment to the list of emotions going through my mind.

The next day, I awoke to the same thoughts swimming around in the front of my brain.  Within two hours, I was on the verge of tears three times.  I kept telling myself that I was better off dead, but was too afraid to actually act out on those thoughts.  I told myself that I needed to be admitted to the hospital, but I don't currently have good insurance.  My anxiety meds finally kicked in, and I was better.  Not 100%, but better.

That evening, I spoke to my parents about the things that were worrying me.  I dropped two of my three online courses, which was a huge relief.

I am doing much better now, back to 100%.  

This isn't easy to share.  It's not easy telling people that you were on the verge of giving up on life.  But I am sharing this for a reason.  On the outside, I may look like I'm doing really well.  But the outside is not a reflection of the inside.  Talking with my parents was a huge help for me.  I would urge anyone who has gone through an episode like I experienced to talk to someone.  Ending your life and giving up is never the answer.  Talk to someone you know will listen.  You can overcome the darkness.

I Am A Masculinist

One day, when I was in sixth grade, I had to give a presentation.  I was so nervous, I started to cry.  My teacher took me out into the hallway, looked me in the eyes, and said "Stop crying, it's time to grow up".  I was shocked.  I was clearly stressed out, and here, a teacher that I happened to like, was scolding me instead of comforting me.  My embarrassment from crying in front of my friends and peers turned into an even greater self-consciousness.  From that moment on, I tried to avoid showing what I thought to be 'unmanly' emotions.  You can imagine how difficult this was to do while living with an anxiety disorder.  My first reaction to a lot of things was to run and hide, to cry, or to do all of the above.
As a teenager and a young adult, I have still struggled with owning up to having anxiety.  Men aren't supposed to be afraid of anything.  And here I am, terrified of people, water, and cars.  I felt like I didn't fit in with the other boys.  To this day, I have more female friends than I do male friends.  I had to find friends who accepted me and 'unmanliness'.  This is why I'm a masculinist.
When I say I am a masculinist, I'm not talking about how men are superior to women, because they're not.  I'm not talking about being a fit, sport loving, COD playing womanizer who drinks beer as a hobby.  I'm talking about being true to myself and my gender.  I'm a sensitive, fun-loving, book worm.  I enjoy tennis, volleyball, and baseball, just for fun.  I like Nintendo games, especially Pokemon.  And I love helping others through their struggles.  I want to live in a masculinist world, where men aren't embarrassed and discouraged to talk about their feelings or to cry when they're afraid.  A world where women are respected, children are loved, and hearts are whole.  I don't know if I'll ever see a world like this in my lifetime, but I can do my best to help develop it for future generations.

The Good American

One of my all time favorite movies is Under the Same Moon, or La Misma Luna in it's original Spanish.  The story follows Carlos, a young boy in Mexico who is waiting for his mom, who is in Los Angeles, to make enough money to bring him to the United States.  Carlos eventually tries to find his own way into the States.  After many hardships, he is finally reunited with his mother.

This movie came out in 2008.  The trials Carlos faced on his journey to find his mother are nothing like the trials families are facing today on the Texas-Mexico border.  Parents and children are arriving at the border together looking for a better life only to be forcefully separated and kept apart for who knows how long.  They are being kept in unsafe, unsanitary, and inhumane accommodations.

One of the main arguments I hear is that the parents should have thought of the consequences before they tried to illegally enter the United States.  This argument is valid.  But aren't the consequences a little extreme?  People are trying to join our great nation, to find freedom and peace.  Instead, we are giving them more terror and hardships.  Shouldn't we be willing to help them on their journey to citizenship?

Christ's parable of the Good Samaritan comes to mind.  The Levites and the Samaritans didn't get along at all.  When a Levite man was beaten and robbed, left to die on the side of the road, the only person that helped him was a Samaritan.  Two men walked right past their Levite brother, not willing to help.  The man who was supposed to be the enemy is the one who stopped to help.

Now, let's rewrite the story.  A Mexican family is struggling in their native country.  Their own government is doing nothing to assist them.  So the family flees to what is said to be the greatest country in all the world to find help, even though they know of the hatred that flows throughout this free nation to which they are escaping.

I'll stop the story there.  We already know how this story ends.  It ends without a Good Samaritan.  Let's change that.  Let's be the one they need to find peace in their lives.  Let's be the Good American.

As I Have Loved You...

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  As a member of this church, I was taught at a young age to love everyone and treat everyone equally.  This doesn't mean I have to agree with everyone.  I don't disagree out of hate; that would go against my beliefs.  I disagree because of my beliefs.  Allow me to explain.
One of the core beliefs in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is that we lived in Heaven before we came to Earth.  We call this the Premortal Existence.  We lived as spirits in the Premortal Existence, and we were born of heavenly parents.  Our spirits had the same genders we were born with in this mortal world.  For example, even in the Premortal Existence, I was a male.
Another core belief is that families can be together forever.  We believe that marriage is between a man and woman and that, if they are able, they are obligated to have children so that those spirits waiting in the Premortal Existence can also have a chance to obtain a body.
These are a couple of the beliefs of the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  We as members are entitled to these beliefs.  We are not, however, entitled to being hateful and disrespectful to those who don't live our beliefs.  We are all free agents, free to make our own life choices. 
Something I found interesting was the fact that "only 40 percent of Mormons favor allowing same-sex couples to marry, yet nearly 7-in-10 (69 percent) support laws that would protect LGBT people from discrimination in housing, public accommodations, and employment" (Dallas, 2018).  Even though we don't agree with same-sex marriage, we are still willing to protect the rights of the members of the LGBTQ+ community.
My New Year's resolution for this year was to treat others the way Christ would treat them.  I strongly believe that Christ loves everyone, no matter how they choose to live their lives, even if it's not in accordance with what He taught.  Christ loves unconditionally.  I think we need less arguing and politics, and more unconditional love in this world.

Works Cited

Dallas, K. (2018). Mormons stand out from other faith groups for their views on LGBT rights. [online]    DeseretNews.com. Available at: https://www.deseretnews.com/article/900017419/mormons-stand-out-from-other-faith-groups-for-their-views-on-lgbt-rights.html [Accessed 14 Jun. 2019].

Getting Back in the Groove

As I mentioned last week, I have been attending a recreational therapy program called THRIVE.  It is aimed towards people with depression and/or anxiety and helping them cope with life.  One of the main purposes of THRIVE is creating goals and seeing them through.  We meet in accountability groups at the end of each session to see how we're doing with our goals.
Since I started attending THRIVE, I have noticed that I have become much more motivated and happier.  My younger brother said he noticed the same thing.  Since beginning THRIVE, I have been going to the gym, I changed up my eating habits, started meeting with a wellness coach, and started truly enjoying life.  I still get anxious and depressed, but I now have a better grip on reality.
One week at THRIVE, we talked about finding our flow.  Flow is experienced when you are doing something you absolutely enjoy and that seems to come naturally for you.  Time seems to slow down and nothing else matters.  I experience flow the most when I'm brainstorming photo ideas and executing those ideas.  Photography is my thing.  Time slows down and nothing but my ideas and photos matters.  Flow is when we are feeling the most at ease.
I am truly grateful for the THRIVE program and all that I have learned there.  I was beginning to think that a change in medication or dosage was the only thing to get me out of the funk I was in.  But I can attest that therapy, along with medication, is the best way to get back into the groove of things.