I Am Not My Body pt. 3: I Blame Myself

A few years ago, some members of the church I attend were passing around a color quiz.  This color quiz assigned you a color based on your answers about your personality.  The color you are assigned supposedly tells people what they can expect from you.  For example, if I remember correctly, someone who is a White is calm and easy going.  I was tempted to take the quiz.  Until I heard someone justify someone else's actions using a color.
"Of course he wouldn't mop the floor.  He's a blue!"
I'm fairly certain she was being sarcastic.  But I decided not to take the quiz.  I didn't want a reason to justify my actions.  And I definitely didn't want others assuming they knew me based off of a color quiz.
The same is true about mental illness.  In part two of this series, I briefly discussed labels.  How I have ADD, not that I am ADD.  Now onto the next step.  Just because I have ADD and anxiety doesn't mean I can justify my actions because of my ADD/anxiety.
When I was younger, I would blame my mental illnesses for my actions.  I was too afraid because of my anxiety.  I couldn't focus because of my ADD.  It's true that my anxiety causes me to fear things.  It does occasionally influence my decisions.  But my decisions are just that:  mine.  I am in control of my actions, not my mental illness.
All these school shootings that have been happening are, unfortunately, a good example who is to blame.  So many people blame the mental illness.  Others blame the gun.  I blame the person.  It may be true that their mental state may have driven them to committing these awful acts, but ultimately, it was their decision.  The insanity plea does not sit well with me.
Believe it or not, the most important step in conquering mental illness is taking ownership of your actions.  Understanding that your illness does not dictate your life.  If this were the case, then there would be no need for medication or therapy.  You would just be willing to let your mental illness control your life.  But that's not the way it is.  I am on medication.  I have visited with therapists.  With help, I am conquering my mental illnesses.  When something goes wrong, I want the blame to be on me, not my damaged brain.  I am not my brain.  I am not a color.  I am not my body.

I Am Not My Body pt.2: Labels

Last week, while doing his homework, the 13-year old made a discovery.  He knew that he had ADD, but he never really understood what the letters stood for.  All he understood was the 'attention' part.  He came downstairs proclaiming "I know what ADD is now!  I have a disorder?" to which his mother came up with a brilliant reply:
"You don't have a disorder.  You have a superpower.  Your ADD is your cape."
My boss mom and I then tried to explain to the 13-year old the good things that his ADD gave him.  He is better at multitasking, he is very intelligent.  And what amazes me is that this bright young man gets straight As in school.  That in itself is a super power to me.
I was diagnosed with ADD about a year or two after graduating high school (which explains why I almost didn't graduate.).  For the next year or two, I blamed everything on my ADD.  I would tell people, "I'm ADD.  It's what I do."  Looking back now, I realize how ridiculous I was being.
First of all, I am not ADD.  I have ADD.  A mental disorder is not a label.  A person isn't bipolar.  They have a bipolar disorder.
Think of it this way.  I get migraines.  Therefore, I am a migraine.  Doesn't make sense, right?  So why label people with mental disorders as ADD/ADHD.  I am not a migraine.  I get migraines.
So, "I'm ADD" was the first wrong thing I said.  The second was blaming my ADD for the way I acted.
Again, I am not ADD.  My mental disorder does not control me.  I have ADD.  I also have a cat.  And a car.  As difficult and expensive as it gets to keep my cat in good health or my car in good shape, I am still in control.  If my cat gets sick, my life may cycle around her.  If my car breaks down, my life changes, but only until the car is fixed.  If my ADD tells me to look at the stain on the ceiling that looks like Robert de Niro instead of listening to my professor's lecture, I tell my ADD no.  Mr. de Niro can wait.
I am not ADD.  I am not anxiety.  I fight to control my ADD and anxiety.  These are my superpowers, that I am in control of.  I am Philip.  I am not my body.