Bipolar Disorder: A Short Story

Wet Season

Dry Season

Mab woke up every morning, stretched his arms and legs, and let out a great howl of joy.  He'd made it

Mab woke up every morning, stretched his arms and legs, and lay back down for more sleep.  He wasn't

through another night, waking with the energy of many men.  Today was another day to live his best life. 

 

ready to face another day.  He had no energy and no desire to get started with his day.  Today was just

 

He stepped outside of his cave and let out another howl of joy.  The waters were falling from the sky,

 

another dry day of unsettling sunlight and heat.  After a few more hours of rest, Mab decided it was 

cooling the land and bringing life to the mountainside.  Mab grabbed his spear and went off for a morning

 

time to gather some fruit for breakfast.  Groaning with displeasure, Mab made his way out of the cave

hunt.  While searching for something good to eat, Mab noticed all of the beauty around him; the leaves 

towards the forest.  He headed straight for this favorite fruit tree.  Once at the tree, he sat down in its

dripping with water, the grass blowing in the wind, the dark clouds covering the sky.  Yes, today was

 

shade to take a rest.  He was still very tired.  After a quick nap, Mab collected his pile of stones and 

going to be a good day.  Mab headed for the forest, sure that he'd find some prey hiding from the falling

 

expertly threw the stones at the fruit.  As the fruit was falling from the tree, a beautiful bird came into

 

waters.  He eventually found a small herd of antelope.  Feeling confident, Mab set his sights on the largest 

view.  Annoyed at the interruption, Mab threw a stone at the magnificent bird.  His aim was true.  He'd

antelope, a female.  Gripping his spear tightly, Mab ran into the herd at full speed.  As the antelope scattered,

 

have some meat tonight.  Gathering the bird and the fruit, Mab made his way back to the cave.  In no

Mab was grazed by antlers and hooves, but he didn't notice the pain.  His focus was on the giant antelope at the

hurry, Mab dragged his feet in the dusty, dry ground.  He heard a rustle behind him.  He turned back to

end of his spear.  She put up a fight, but Mab came out victorious.  Dripping blood and sweat, Mab 

see a pair of large cats, licking their lips and growling hungrily.  Mab stopped and stood in fear.  He 

prepared to drag his prey back to his cave.  Still feeling confident and energetic, Mab was unaware of the

 

dropped his load of fruit and meat and ran towards his cave.  The large cats pounced on the bird,

pain from his injuries, unaware of the weight of the carcass he toted behind him.  Pushing through the 

ravenously tearing at the meat.  Mab looked back in dismay, mourning the loss of a hearty supper.

howling wind and drenching waters, Mab could see his cave up ahead.  But he also saw a pack of wolves,

 

After having devoured the dead bird, the large cats turned and headed back into the forest.  Mab had

looking for food of their own.  His energy rising again, Mab dropped his load and prepared his spear.  He

 

fallen asleep, drained of all his energy.  Once awake, he headed out of the cave to collect the fruit he

rushed the wolves, trying to catch them off guard.  He dropped one wolf as the others realized what was

 

had dropped.  Some fruits were still good, but most had been crushed by the large cats.  Mab ate one of

happening.  They circled around Mab, growling, fur raised.  The leader of the pack leapt at Mab.  Mab

 

the fruits and stored the rest for later.  He wasn't very hungry at the moment.  Having nothing else to

rolled out of the way, spear raised in defense.  Having dropped another wolf, Mab's confidence once more

 

do, Mab found a comfortable spot near the entrance of the cave.  He watched the day roll by, the sun

took over.  He swung his spear about, taking down wolf after wolf.  He was clawed in the back, bitten on

 

rising to the center of the sky, then dropping in the west.  The herds grazing in the sparse, dry grass.

the leg, but still he fought, until all the wolves were taken down.  Gasping for breath, Mab let out a loud,

 

Today was difficult.  Mab was exhausted, despite all the rest he'd taken today.  Hopefully tomorrow

booming laugh followed by yet another howl of joy.  Feeling invincible, Mab grabbed his prized antelope,

 

would be a better day.  Mab lay down for the night and fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of fruit and

plus a wolf, and made his way back to his cave. 

 

large cats.
 

I Am Not My Body pt.2: Labels

Last week, while doing his homework, the 13-year old made a discovery.  He knew that he had ADD, but he never really understood what the letters stood for.  All he understood was the 'attention' part.  He came downstairs proclaiming "I know what ADD is now!  I have a disorder?" to which his mother came up with a brilliant reply:
"You don't have a disorder.  You have a superpower.  Your ADD is your cape."
My boss mom and I then tried to explain to the 13-year old the good things that his ADD gave him.  He is better at multitasking, he is very intelligent.  And what amazes me is that this bright young man gets straight As in school.  That in itself is a super power to me.
I was diagnosed with ADD about a year or two after graduating high school (which explains why I almost didn't graduate.).  For the next year or two, I blamed everything on my ADD.  I would tell people, "I'm ADD.  It's what I do."  Looking back now, I realize how ridiculous I was being.
First of all, I am not ADD.  I have ADD.  A mental disorder is not a label.  A person isn't bipolar.  They have a bipolar disorder.
Think of it this way.  I get migraines.  Therefore, I am a migraine.  Doesn't make sense, right?  So why label people with mental disorders as ADD/ADHD.  I am not a migraine.  I get migraines.
So, "I'm ADD" was the first wrong thing I said.  The second was blaming my ADD for the way I acted.
Again, I am not ADD.  My mental disorder does not control me.  I have ADD.  I also have a cat.  And a car.  As difficult and expensive as it gets to keep my cat in good health or my car in good shape, I am still in control.  If my cat gets sick, my life may cycle around her.  If my car breaks down, my life changes, but only until the car is fixed.  If my ADD tells me to look at the stain on the ceiling that looks like Robert de Niro instead of listening to my professor's lecture, I tell my ADD no.  Mr. de Niro can wait.
I am not ADD.  I am not anxiety.  I fight to control my ADD and anxiety.  These are my superpowers, that I am in control of.  I am Philip.  I am not my body.

My Story Isn't Over Yet;

I have been so overwhelmed with working one job, training for another, finishing up my online math class, and a million other things that I decided to take a break from my blog.  So, I had my brilliant and wonderful mother write the blog post this week.  I absolutely refuse to skip a Thursday!

 

When Philip asked me to do his last blog post of the month, I thought, no problem. This is Mental Health Awareness month. I have soooo much I could share, but therein lay the problem. I have TOO much for a single blog post. So after debating all week over what I should write, allow me to share with you a single day in the life of someone with bipolar disorder.

Morning can be a struggle, even on sunny days. I fight with pain issues on a regular basis, but add just a little bit of depression to that, and some days I can hardly move. My limbs feel like lead weights, my eyes don't want to open and see the reality of a new day. I don't work, so often I feel totally useless as well. Why bother getting out of bed? Not a problem if I'm hypo(manic). I jump out of bed and rush around not getting hardly anything accomplished in my hyper disorganization. But there are some things that MUST be done. Having to force yourself to do the basics can be very discouraging.

Get up, get dressed, eat and TAKE YOUR MEDS. No matter how horrible you feel, no matter how scattered your thoughts, nothing will make it worse than not taking your meds. If nothing else gets done all day, you must take your meds. A regular (healthy) eating and sleeping schedule can help moderate your symptoms. But we all know that eating healthy is tough when the meds that are supposed to be helping you slow your metabolism and make you crave everything you shouldn't eat. I gained 90 pounds in a year on two meds that I have since insisted be changed. It's difficult to motivate yourself to take medications that put you at risk for heart disease and diabetes. Talk to you doctor. There are other meds to try. We finally got it right the third time around.

I have set up for myself a routine of what needs to be done during the course of the day. For me it's: dishes, laundry, plan/cook dinner, volunteer work I do on the computer (this is what gives me a sense of purpose.) In the spring and summer I also tend the garden. If I'm feeling good I will try to do some other additional housework, or maybe even go out in public. I must be very cautious with my moods and shopping. It is always best to have another person with me when I go to JoAnn Fabrics, or I might spend way too much money. Over time I have become much better about controlling my spending, but it can still be a fight.

A note about leaving the house. When depressed, I can barely get dressed, so going out is not likely. When I'm hypomanic, I want to go out and be with people and do things, but I have a constant fear of annoying them with my incessant jabbering or being inappropriate in some way. Saying the wrong thing, being arrogant, angry or judgmental. Being aware of these things helps me keep these rotten behaviors in check, but sometimes they still get the best of me. So I get embarrassed, and don't want to be around people. My meds make me air-headed and shaky, so that can be a bit awkward in publc.

There is one big thing that helps me get through the day. My dog. If you don't have a comfort animal, you don't know the benefit you can reap from their presence. My comfort animal is a two year old Australian Shepherd/Golden Retriever mix named River Song. She is very sweet and soft and cuddly, and she can make the stress ease away. Dogs love you no matter what. She calms me through tears, shaking, and uncontrollable racing thoughts. When mixed states threaten to rip me in half, River can cuddle up and ease the pain. A black cat serves as a comfort animal for one of my children.

By the time evening runs around I am often emotionally exhausted, though usually it's more physical. I try to get dinner on the table by six for my husband, succeeding some days, failing on others. If I have been having severe racing thoughts during the course of the day, nothing gets done. There are too many voices talking in my head, leaving me constantly confused. If I'm hypo I may start several projects but not finish them, adding to the mess that is my house. This is another area where I can see improvement, but it can still be a problem.

It is with great relief that my bedtime rolls around. I have a small snack and take my night-time meds. If the racing thoughts will let me, I fall asleep fairly quickly. But whether I sleep well or not, the next day I will have to face the chaos I left the day before.

A couple other thoughts. My bipolar treatment interferes with my pain treatments, so we have to balance the two problems and the medications I take. Not fun. Also, if you really want to know what bipolar can be like, read A Brilliant Madness by Patty Duke. It's terrifying, but so informative. It really helped me to see how bipolar was effecting me everyday, and thus allowed me to be on guard for when symptoms popped up. Recognizing symptoms, plus my meds, plus my wonderful supportive family (including the dog) have helped me function at almost a normal level. You can feel like yourself. As for me, my story isn't over yet;