Thursday, April 30, 2020

Grandpa Insurance



The last few months of applying for health insurance has been ridiculous.  To lay it out for you in a simple, easy-to-read fashion, I have condensed the past eight months into one conversation with a man I'm calling Grandpa Insurance.

Me (After submitting online insurance application):  Now I wait.

Grandpa Insurance:  I got your application!  Now I just need documents that prove you have a job, you paid your taxes, and you're an American citizen.  You have one month!

Me (Busy with three jobs):  I should probably print out those papers and get them sent in.

Grandpa Insurance:  Too late!  Request denied!

Me:  ...But it's only been two weeks.

Grandpa Insurance:  No, it's been 30 days.  Today's October 10th.

Me:  I submitted my application on September 26th.

Grandpa Insurance: ...Oops.  Well, I already threw out your last application.  Please apply again!

Me (About a month later):  Alright, application sent.

Grandpa Insurance:  I got your application!  Now I just need documents that prove you have a job, you paid your taxes, and you're an American citizen.  You have one month!

Me (Swamped with work again):  Gotta print out those papers!

Grandpa Insurance:  Too late!  Request denied!

Me:  Again!  You only waited two weeks again!

Grandpa Insurance:  Dagnabbit!  I gotta get this watched fixed.  At any rate, please fill out the application again!

Me (A few months later):  Ok, application is sent, and I have my papers ready to print!

Grandpa Insurance:  I got your application!  Now I just need documents that prove you have a job, you paid your taxes, you're an American citizen, you pay for gas, and you have previous medical bills.

Me:  What?!  More paperwork?  

Grandpa Insurance:  Don't shoot the messenger!

Me:  Ok, here's all the paperwork!

Grandpa Insurance:  Great!  Now we can get started!  Oh boy...I need two more pay stubs!

Me:  ...Ok...um...here you go.

Grandpa Insurance:  You're eligible for food stamps!  But not Medicaid.  You need to go through Marketplace.  Please fill out the application again.

Me:  Seriously?

Grandpa Insurance:  Again, just the messenger!

Me:  Alright, here it is.

Grandpa Insurance:  Perfect!  Now I just need to know when you lost your past coverage.

Me:  Um, April 22nd of this year.

Grandpa Insurance:  What about it?

Me:  What about what?

Grandpa Insurance:  April 22nd of this year.

Me:  You asked for the date I lost my previous coverage.

Grandpa Insurance:  No I didn't.  Now you need to fill out the application again.

Me:  A fifth time?!

Grandpa Insurance:  Messenger!

Me:  Ok, ok, here it is.

Grandpa Insurance:  Perfect!  You are now ready to pick a plan!  Please be aware that because you make barely any money, you are not eligible for a tax credit.  You will need to pay full price for whichever plan you choose.  The cheapest plan we have is $230 a month with an $8,600 deductible.

Me:  An $8,600 deductible?!  What's even the point of having the insurance?

Grandpa Insurance:  After the deductible is met, we'll pay for everything!

Me:  Is there a plan that has a smaller deductible?

Grandpa Insurance:  How about $7,200?

Me:  No.

Grandpa Insurance:  Wait!  I found one with a $0 deductible!  But your whole month's income would go to paying for it.

Me:  Ok, give me some time to figure this out.

Grandpa Insurance:  You have until the end of June.

Me (To myself):  What am I gonna-

Grandpa Insurance:  Just kidding!  Have free health insurance!  Have food stamps!  Have help paying for past bills!

Me:  What?

Grandpa Insurance:  Didn't ya hear me, boy?  You're fully covered!  No cost!

Me:  So what was with all the red tape?!  That was super stressful!

Grandpa Insurance:  Like I said-

Me:  Yeah, yeah, you're just the messenger.


This is a light-hearted, humerous look at the long struggle it took me to get fully covered.  It plays out like a joke because, in reality, applying and getting coverage is a joke.  It shouldn't be so complicated to have your health needs met.  But that's just how the world is these days.  I'm super grateful to have finally been found eligible for full coverage, though!

1 comment:

  1. That is soooo accurate to what you went through! I was giving myself worrying about it!

    ReplyDelete