Wanted vs. Needed

Something I have struggled with a lot for the past years is feeling wanted.  Probably the most difficult thing about having anxiety is the fear of what other people think about me.  I tend to over think things when I am around others.  Why did I say that?  Why am I still talking?  They're probably waiting for me to shut up so they can leave.  And when I'm by myself, the thoughts still come.  Why am I such a boring person?  What are my talents?  Why is it so hard to like me?  Acknowledging the fact that these thoughts stem from my anxiety makes it a little bit easier for to socialize.  But the thing I still can't help but wonder is:  Why do I feel needed, but not wanted?
I feel like being wanted is much more important than being needed.  I have people asking me favors all the time.  Other than that, they really don't talk to me.  I'm only a friend when someone needs something.Then I started Mannying.  For the first time in a long time, I actually felt wanted.  The boys and I developed a wonderful relationship.  I didn't realize just how wonderful it was until it was time to leave them.  All three boys got stressed out and I went into the worst and longest depression I'd ever been in.  I often wondered why I was feeling the way I was.  I realized it was because I wasn't used to feeling wanted.
Now, out in Idaho, I have a Mannying job two days a week.  My highlight of the week is knocking on the door and hearing my name being called out excitedly.  And when the parents come home and it's time for me to leave, the kids lock the doors and tell me I can't leave.  I actually have to sneak out of the house some nights.  But I love it!  The kids want me around.  They want me around.  It's a great feeling.
What I think everyone should remember is to treat everyone like they are important, because they are.  Next time you need a favor from someone, make sure you also make an effort to get to know that someone better.  Try harder to be their friend.
At this point in my life, I'm trying to figure out how I can change so people will want to be around me.  As much as I love the kids I work with, it's kind of embarrassing saying that my best friend is two decades younger than me.  I just need to break out of my shell called anxiety.

Operation: Childspeak pt. 4

In one of the classes I'm currently taking (Behavioral Learning Psychology), we learned about reinforcement and punishment.  There are two types of reinforcement and two types of punishment:  positive and negative.  Positive reinforcement is rewarding a good behavior by giving the child something they want, such as a treat.  Negative reinforcement is rewarding a good behavior by taking something the child doesn't want, such as giving them a break from a chore.  Positive punishment is giving something aversive to the child after a bad behavior, such as a spanking or time out.  Negative punishment is taking something from a child after a bad behavior, such as taking away a privilege.  For this post, I will be focusing on positive reinforcement.
I have mentioned before that childspeak is centered around love.  You know your child best, but have you ever thought about their love languages?  These can be the perfect and simplest forms of positive reinforcement.  I'll admit that I always thought that love languages were a bunch of mumbo jumbo.  But after working with children for as long as I have, I have come to realize that every child responds differently to different reinforcements.  Almost all of these reinforcements fall under a love language category.
The five love languages are:  Physical touch, service, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time.  For kids, I have found that the three most effective love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time.
The boys I worked with in Pennsylvania loved receiving gifts.  But the gifts weren't used for long.  The boys eventually got bored with them.  This told me that receiving gifts was not one of their love languages.  I eventually found that the boys fell under three categories of love language:  Physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time.  Physical touch and words of affirmation are by far the easiest forms of reinforcement.  Anytime one of the boys performed a good behavior, such as cleaning something up without being asked or simply using good manners, I would gently put my hand on their back (physical touch) and praise them (words of affirmation) for being awesome.  When homework and chores got finished in a timely fashion, we then had plenty of time to spend together (quality time).  I found that these three types of reinforcement worked much better than physical prizes.  Not only did the boys feel rewarded, they also felt loved.
The love languages don't have to be used for just reinforcement, though.  When consoling a child, a certain love language can help the child calm down.  Gently rubbing their back (physical touch), while sitting with them (quality time) and assuring them that everything will be okay (words of affirmation) works wonders.  I have even used this technique during tantrums.  But doesn't that reinforce the tantrum? you might ask?  Not at all.  During a tantrum, your child is of a different mind set.  One of the boys had a pretty severe tantrum my second to last day with him.  While I sat with him (quality time), gently rubbed his back (physical touch), and told him everything was okay (words of affirmation), the boy told me that he felt like his mother didn't love him.  He knew this wasn't true, but he was in a different mindset.  At that moment in time, he genuinely believed his mother didn't love him.  I sat and talked with him until he calmed down, my hand continuing to do gentle laps around his back.  Because of how well I know this child, I can tell you that he calmed down a lot quicker than if I had just left him alone to scream and cry.
Remember that for this child, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time were the love languages needed.  This isn't the case for every child.  For a lot of children, it's actually better to leave them alone during a tantrum.  They may be so angry with you that they don't want you anywhere near them.  After speaking with them gently to tell them everything will be alright (words of affirmation), leave the child alone.  If that is what they want, then you will be providing a service for them, which, if you remember, is one of the love languages.
Every child is different.  I don't know what your child's specific love languages are.  But I urge you to find out what they are.  Your relationship with your child will grow in a way that every parent wishes for.  Your child just wants to be loved.  The more love they receive, the more love they are likely to give.

'Man's Search For Meaning' Book Review

I kind of cheated this week.  This is actually paper I had to write for my History and Systems of Psychology class.

Man's Search for Meaning Book Review

Viktor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning has been a must-read for decades. Frankl's portrayals of his experiences in Auschwitz are both haunting and enlightening. The book is split into two sections: Frankl's experiences in Auschwitz and other concentration camps; and a detailed description of logotherapy and its uses. While at the concentration camps, Frankl described the hardships he and his colleagues faced. He mentioned the pains and illnesses suffered in the camps and how he was able to rise above them all and stay optimistic. Years later, after returning to normal every day life, Frankl coined the term logotherapy, which he defined as “the meanings to be fulfilled by the patient in his future” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 98). In other words, logotherapy helps patients reevaluate their lives so they can make the changes needed to live a happier life. Frankl then gave different examples of how he has used logotherapy to help various patients.

While in the concentration camps, Frankl witnessed many of his fellow prisoners give up on life. They had lost their meaning for living. Because of his medical experience, Frankl was put to work as a camp medic. He saw a lot of illness and death. For many of the deaths, though, Frankl believes the cause to be a mental shut down of sorts. Living in a concentration takes a toll on a person and it is easy to give up. The men he saw die were usually the ones who had given up on life. This goes to show how important it is to have a meaning in life.

The second part of the book explains logotherapy, which Frankl used to help people renew their sense of purpose. He gave examples of different methods he used with his patients. One method Frankl used, which was the basis of logotherapy, was the paradoxical intention. Frankl discovered that by having someone willingly try to react to their fears, they would find that they physically could not react. Frankl gave the example of a boy who had a stutter. The boy got caught hitching a ride on a streetcar and attempted to exaggerate his stuttering for sympathy. He actually didn't stutter at all. By forcing himself to do something he did involuntarily, he was able overcome it (Frankl, V., 1959, pp.126). The goal of using logotherapy is to reestablish someone's meaning. When someone is feelin helpless and just wants to give up, usually by suicide, logotherapy can be used to help the subject overcome their struggle and reawaken their sense of meaning.

The part of the book that stood out to me the most was in part two when Frankl discussed the existential vaccuum. Frankl defines the existential vaccuum as a person's “inner emptiness, a void within themselves” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 106). This is my first semester at Brigham Young University-Idaho. I had been attending a community college in my home state of Pennsylvania before moving out west. I have experienced the existential vacuum first hand. Other than going to my classes, church, and work, I spent a lot of my time in bed. I felt empty inside, often wondering if I had made the right choice in moving out west. I know what I want to do with my life, but with over three years left of college, I wondered if it was worth it.

There was a particular day I was really struggling in my search for motivation and meaning. The next day, in part two of Man's Search for Meaning, I read the following: “...everyone's task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it” (Frankl, V., 1959, pp. 109). This simple sentence, and a few lines before, really struck me. Not only did my life have meaning, but I was the only one who could fulfill it.

After eventually getting my Masters degree, I plan on being a middle school guidance counselor. I love working with kids, especially in the pre- to young teen ages. I have been working with children through Church and my job for years. After reading the line mentioned above, I realized that maybe I am the only one who can help a certain child in the future. My eyes were opened from reading Frankl's words. And my meaning reasserted itself. College made sense to me again. Even though it is difficult right now, the end goal is what should be my priority.

Frankl's book, though difficult in parts, was a great read for me. It truly changed my perspective on what life is about. I have a new outlook on life that I pray I will never become blind to. 

 

Works Cited

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Mans search for meaning. Boston: Beacon Press.

A Great Depression

Moving out to Idaho was definitely the most difficult thing I have ever done.  Don't get me wrong, I was ready to be on my own.  I'm keeping up with my finances, grocery shopping, and medications.  I'm being very responsible.  The hard part was leaving the people I know and love.  The hard part was going from busy busy busy to laying in bed wondering what to do next.
Classes are going well.  I'm doing well in both.  I'm working two days a week, five hours each day.  I love my job as a Manny and look forward to Wednesdays and Saturdays.  My cat, Zoe, has finally adjusted to living in a new place, even though she never leaves the bedroom.  She's more relaxed and cuddly.  Things really are going well.
So why am I so depressed?
Back in Pennsylvania, before I left, I was rarely at home.  I had a lot of things going on in my life.  A lot of positive things.  A job that kept me busy, a Little Brother to visit with, a job at church working with other single adults.  I basically went home to eat and sleep.  But now, I rarely leave my apartment.  I go to class, to church, run errands, and hang out with people I'm slowly getting to know and open up to.  That doesn't take up a lot of my time, though.  When I'm not doing homework, I can usually be found in my room napping or playing games on my Kindle, only leaving to use the bathroom or get something to eat.  When I'm not at work or school, I honestly struggle with finding a purpose.
Depression isn't new to me.  I've been depressed before, but only for a day or two at a time.  This has been going on for a couple of months now.  Now before you start to worry, I would never hurt myself or anyone.  I like to think that I am generally a cheerful person.  So, in a way, you could say I have optimistic depression.  I'm struggling, but I know it's only temporary.  I just need a purpose.
I have been searching for and applying to Mannying jobs.  My current boss has referred me to multiple people.  Something is bound to come my way.
I have made a couple of new friends.  With my social anxiety, it's always been difficult for me to make friends, so I expected friendships to take awhile.  But I'm getting there.  As much as I hate meeting new people, I have met some pretty awesome folks out here.
My slump will end.  I have really good days, usually days that I work.  I remain positive in all that do.  It gets tough, but I like to think that I'm tougher.

How Porn Kills Love

For the past couple of years, sexual misconduct has become one of the most recurring stories on evening news broadcasts.  Top tier celebrities and politicians have been accused of rape or molestation.  People often wonder what would possess someone to take advantage of another human in such a heinous manner.  Studies are beginning to show that addiction to pornography may be to blame.
One such study reviewed the differences between men who view pornography and those that don't.  The study eventually found that "men who viewed pornography, report a greater likelihood of raping, committing sexual assault, higher rape myth acceptance, lower willingness to intervene in a sexual assault situation, and lower efficacy to intervene in a sexual assault situation". (Foubert)  Men who view pornography desensitize themselves to the fact that a woman is not an object.  They eventually become willing to do anything for a little bit of pleasure, no matter who it hurts.
Another study was performed to find how men reacted to different genres of entertainment.  While drama and comedy did not seem to solicit negative results, sports, pornography, music videos, and even reality TV produced violent and objectifying results.  These forms of entertainment in one way or another tend to objectify women, whether in the show itself or in the commercials.  These findings indicated that "exposure to sexually objectifying media is associated with greater endorsement of attitudes and behaviors supportive of sexual violence toward women". (Seabrook)  Again we see that men who view anything, be it porn or even just certain commercials, are likely to become more violent and careless around women.
The fact is that because of pornographic material, men have conditioned themselves to see women as less than human.  Think about it.  They are viewing someone else's body in the way a child views a cotton candy maker.  All that is on their mind is temporary pleasure.  The woman's body is no longer hers.  It is now an object to bring men carnal joy.
But are men the only ones to blame?  It is their actions we're discussing here, after all.  Men, believe it or not, have the ability to choose how they act around a woman.  But put into consideration the female porn stars, exotic dancers, and prostitutes.  They are willingly selling their bodies to men.  Seriously, are there no better ways to make money?  It's mind boggling going onto Facebook and seeing your feminist friends supporting such occupations.  "It's the only way she can make money" is their mantra.  No it's not!  One journalist put it this way: "Feminists have often misunderstood sexual prohibition. I am not advocating a return to the days of hiding female sexuality, but I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it". (Wolf)  Although it is definitely men's actions that are the problem in today's society, there are women out there, possibly unknowingly, promoting rape culture.  This just makes it more difficult for men to keep their hands to themselves. 

 Works Cited

 

Foubert, John D., et al. “Pornography Viewing among Fraternity Men: Effects on 

          Bystander Intervention, Rape Myth Acceptance, and Behavioral Intent to 

          Commit Sexual Assault."  Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, vol. 18, no. 4,

          October 2011, pp. 212-231.

 

Seabrook, Rita C., et al. “Less than Human? Media Use, Objectification of

          Women, and Men's Acceptance of Sexual Aggression."  Psychology of

          Violence, May 2018.  

 

Wolf, Naomi. “The Trouble with Porn .” Times, The (United Kingdom), Apr.

          2009, p. 7-8. 

Anxious for Love

I took the boys bowling a couple months ago.  When it was time to put our names into the system, this is what we came up with:
14-year old: Zilla25
6-year old: *His name*
Me: Phat
And then there's the 12-year old: Forever Alone
I'm not sure if he genuinely thinks he'll be alone forever or if he was poking fun at me.  Knowing this kid, he was probably teasing me.  
Since moving out to Idaho, I've been thinking a lot about relationships and marriage.  BYU-Idaho's nickname is BYU-I Do, after all.  But as my anxiety has grown and I noticed that I couldn't even ask someone for directions without trembling, I realized that marriage may not be happening for me anytime soon.  Just the idea of speaking to a stranger makes me want to hide my head in the sand.  I was thinking the other day that I need to find an introvert like myself.  But then I realized that would be nearly impossible.  Where do introverts go to meet?  Serious question here!
Anxiety, though the largest, is only one factor that contributes to my unwed status.  I also suffer from pride and pickiness (Sounds like a Jane Austen novel!).  The ideal woman must be aware of her surroundings.  I look around campus and see girls with their faces being sucked into their phones.  That can't be healthy!  I have a flip phone for a reason.  I like to be aware of what is going on around me.  A smart phone would just be a distraction for me.  I'm not ashamed to admit it. 
I also want someone closer to my age.  It hasn't been confirmed yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm the oldest student on campus.  (I know I'm not, but it certainly feels that way!)  With almost ten years between me and the Freshmen, I worry that I'll end up as what my grandma calls a "Cradle Robber".  I want someone within at least four or five years of my age.
Lastly, I need a woman with common sense.  I find myself rolling my eyes a lot nowadays.  Maybe it's because I'm so much older than a lot of the other students.  Or maybe common sense is just dead.
Along with common sense comes common courtesy.  My brother and I had a game night last week with some of his friends.  Two of his friends are currently madly in love with each other.  They sat in the middle of the table playing their own game while everyone else played around them.  I can respect that they are smitten with each other.  It's kind of cute, actually.  But be aware of what is going on around you.  I want someone who will be madly in love with me, but still be aware of the people around them.
Maybe I'm asking too much.  But my mom once told me that it's okay to be picky.  If I'm going to spend the rest of eternity with someone, I want to be sure that I found the right someone.
Future Mrs. Kretchman, if you're out there, I'm currently in Idaho.  Come look me up.  Please.

Adulting pt. 3: College Days

As mentioned in my last post, I am now living in Rexburg, Idaho attending BYU-Idaho.  I am currently just taking two classes:  History and Systems of Psychology and Behavioral Learning Psychology.  After two days of class, I am sure that I will do well.  My professors are amazing and the subjects of the classes really hold my interest.  I'm not worried about failing.  Life as a college student is what I'm worried about.
I have five roommates in my apartment, aged 18 to 23.  I'm 27.  I told them they can call me grandpa if they'd like.  I'm pretty much a grumpy old man anyway.  Lights are being left on, people are talking and singing late into the night, trash is being left on the counters.  Not only are my old man instincts kicking in, but so are my Mannying instincts.  Should I clean up after them?  Should I tell them to clean up their own messes?  Or should I not worry about it?  The other guys obviously don't worry about it, so I guess I shouldn't either?  So I'm torn.  Am I grandpa, the Manny, or just one of the guys?  My head is spinning.
I've chosen to ignore how my roommates live unless it affects me in some way.  What I can't ignore, though, is the size of campus and the lack of signs.  At the community college I attended in Pennsylvania, you could stand in one spot and see all the buildings, and yet they still had signs all over campus pointing you where to go.  BYU-I is ginormous and doesn't have a single sign telling me where I am.  The buildings are huge and only have one sign, right in front.  They're also all the same color.  So to figure out where I am, I need to walk around the buildings just to see their names.  I haven't been late to class...yet.
Making friends has always been a struggle for me.  At the community college, you sat down next to someone and ignored them for most of the semester.  At BYU-I, you sit down next to someone and become their best friend.  Very unsettling for me.  "Oh, you're 27?  Good for you, man!"  Um, thanks?  It's strange knowing that half the students on campus were in 3rd grade when I graduated high school.
I started a Mannying job yesterday for a family I've known since I was kid.  The mom used to babysit me, and now I'm babysitting her kids.  At the end of my shift yesterday, one of the kids asked their mom if I could sleep at the house.  The mom's reply was "I don't know if I can afford Philip living with us."  No worries.  I don't know if I can afford Philip living with me either. That being said, I'm excited to be working with kids again!
College life is going to difficult for me for awhile, but I'm sure I'll adjust.  I've joked around with a friend about starting a 25+ club (he's 25-years old).  So far, we've met another 25-year old and a 26-year old.  I'm still the oldest, but I'm not worried.  I just need to find my place on campus and not worry about my age.

The Life of Philip, Chapter 2

On Tuesday, September 4, 2018, my mom and I set out on a cross country trek to Rexburg, Idaho.  Rexburg is the home of Brigham Young University Idaho campus, where I will be finishing up my Bachelor's degree in Psychology.  For the first time in twenty-seven years, I will be living somewhere other than my parents house.  This is a new beginning for me.
I have waited for this day for a long time.  I have felt that I have been ready to live independently for awhile.  All I needed was the proper motivation.  While attending the community college in Pennsylvania, I switched majors numerous times.  While working with the boys, I finally decided on majoring in Psychology with hopes to become a middle school guidance counselor.  I have never felt a hundred percent sure about a major until now.  Working as a Manny for the past two years helped me in this decision.
The most difficult part of moving was leaving my Manny job.  I have grown to love the boys as if they were my own.  Imagine having to leave your children so you can move on with your life.  It hurts a lot.  Saying goodbye was rough. 
I have been trying to focus on my future, though.  Just two and a half more years before I get my Bachelor's degree, then on to my Master's.  I've got a lot of schooling ahead of me, but it will all be worth it in the end.  I'm looking forward to continuing my education.
Being on the opposite side of the country from my parents will be different, but I'll have my younger brother and some friends near by.  And I'm excited to meet new people and make friends.
Although I'm not entirely emotionally ready to leave, I know that I am mentally ready.  I have been trying to become more independent in the past couple years and feel that I am ready to live on my own.  As I meet new people and work new jobs, I will become more comfortable being away from those I love most.  The future is bright.  I'm ready to bask in what is to come.

No Tech Day pt. 2: No Tech Week

About a month ago, I decided I wanted to do another No Tech Day with the boys.  It had been about a year since our last one.  As the days went by and I witnessed more and more agitation and fighting over electronics, I decided to go with a No Tech Week.  When I told the boys, they had the following reactions:
14-year old:  That sounds like a good idea.  Sounds healthy!
12-year old:  ...
6-year old:  Wait!  Can we still eat cereal?

On Monday of last week, the TVs got turned off.  The computers, video games, and handheld devices were ignored.  No Tech Week had begun.

Monday found the older boys playing Chess, bike riding into Harrisburg, and finding ways to entertain themselves.  The four of us spent some time at the library, then the park.  The 6-year old had two meltdowns, which is not normal for him at all.  There was a lot of bickering and crying.  I blamed it on tech withdrawals.

Tuesday was a little smoother.  Still some bickering and outbursts from the younger boys.  We did a scavenger hunt at a different library in which we received ten clues with call numbers.  We hunted down the books, whose locations were described in riddles, and solved the puzzle.  Then off to another park!

Wednesday is transition day from dad's house to mom's house.  We made what was supposed to be a quick stop to yet another library to return and check out books.  It wasn't so quick.  I had two of the three boys in sight.  The 12-year old had wandered off.  I quickly found him sitting down with a pile of books on his lap, reading.  This was huge!  The 12-year old is not a big fan of reading, so after seeing him with not just one, but four books on his lap, I decided to stay a little longer.  He ended up checking out the books, which turned out to be hacks for Minecraft.  But hey, at least he was reading!  The day continued with bike riding with the neighbor boys.

Thursday was the day the boys absolutely could not wait for.  I had gotten permission from both parents to take the boys camping.  We left early in the afternoon, running a few errands before hand.  We stopped at PetSmart to visit with the critters there (and to buy some cat food for my baby girl), then my house to pick up some things I had forgotten.  We got to our campsite, put up our tents, then went to the pool.  I should mention that this was probably the most humid day I had ever experienced.  The pool was so refreshing!  We returned to camp, took about an hour and half to make a fire, played at the playground, and went to bed.  Longest night of my life.  Sleeping in tents is definitely the worst part of camping.

Friday finally came.  We got the campsite packed and cleaned just in time for a light drizzle.  We headed back home.  More Chess games were played.  Yet another playground was visited.  And I was about ready to fall over.  So I had a surprise for the boys.  Around 2:30 in the afternoon, I had the boys read for a little while.  Then,when the last page was read, No Tech Week was over.  The boys went their separate ways and life continued as normal.  Except, there was no bickering.  No anger, crying, meltdowns.  Just calm.

My goal in having No Tech Week was met.  I wanted the boys to learn that they could find ways to entertain themselves that did not involve electronics.  The 12-year old, who on Monday and Tuesday kept asking me what he could do, finally figured out how to entertain himself.  I also wanted to see how their attitudes changed throughout the week.  I was not disappointed.
Monday and Tuesday were the most difficult days by far.  Tantrums, cursing, crying, and angry outbursts from the 6-year old.  Angry nitpicking from the 12-year old.  I assumed it was from tech withdrawals.  Turned out I was right.  Wednesday came around, and there was next to no fighting, no outbursts, and absolutely no cursing.  Thursday and Friday, I'm not even sure I was with the same kids.  Manners came out of nowhere from all three boys, but especially the 6-year old.  Please, thank you, and sorry were being thrown around willy-nilly.  I was so shocked at one point, the 6-year old actually had to remind me to say "You're welcome" after he thanked me for getting him a drink.  I watched as the boys spent time together, having fun, showing love to each other.  I was tempted to just throw the electronics out after seeing this huge change.  But I don't want the boys to hate me.
I may never know why electronics have such a negative impact on the way children behave, but after this past week, after seeing the big change in the boys, I am going to try to take more time with the boys, away from electronics.  I only have a little under a month left with the them before going off to college.  I want them to learn to appreciate each other and to use their imaginations.  I work with three wonderful boys.  I want them to know just how wonderful they are.  They won't learn that while staring at a screen.

The Manny Diaries pt. 6: The Review

As my time with the boys comes to a close (just one more month! *sob*), I decided to have the boys rate me.  I made up a little worksheet for them.  At the top were five stars.  They colored in however many stars they thought I deserved.  After coloring in the stars, there were two questions to answer: 
What do you like most about Philip?
and
What do you not like about Philip?
Here are the results:

The 6-year old gave me five stars, but said I should actually get five billion billion million thousand stars.  What he likes most about me is that I play with him and I do stuff for him.  When I asked him what he doesn't like about me, he said "Nothing!  I just like you and that's it."
For the past almost two years, I spent the majority of my time with the 6-year old.  We became really close buddies.  He loves spending time with me and stresses out when I leave his side.  I have to tell him anytime I need to go to the bathroom, just so he doesn't worry about me.  He's got a huge heart.  I'm going to miss his innocence and unconditional love.

The 14-year old gave me a nine out of five star rating.  He likes that I am responsible, caring, and funny.  He doesn't like that I am leaving to go to college.  This answer caught me off guard.  I was so sure that this kid wouldn't care about my moving away.  He is a teenager, after all.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, the 14-year old really didn't like me when I first started with him and his brothers.  He was a loner, moody, always on his phone or video games.  He would lock his bedroom door so I always had to talk to him through the door.  He told me a couple times how much he hated me.  Twenty months later, he and are like two peas in a pod.  He talks my ear off, tells me jokes, fun facts, Would You Rathers, and creams me in Chess.  He still tells me he hates me, but only in fun.  He always says it with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

The 12-year old's review of me was exactly what I had expected:  pure nonsense.  He gave me a negative fifteen out of five star rating.  His answer to what he likes about me is as follows:
"He's honest.  (Too honest.)  He's OK at being smart.  He can count...uuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmm...He can do the alphabet."
That's exactly what he put, down to the the last 'U'.  Even the parenthetical "Too honest" was all him.
His answer to what he doesn't like about me:
"He wakes me up too much.  He has no tech days.  He has no tech weeks.  He has no tech weeks.  He has no tech weeks.  He STILL has no tech weeks.  He doesn't know what a space cucumber is.  (I don't either.)"
Again, word for word (I made some spelling corrections, though.).
When I told the 12-year old I would be posting this on my blog, his eyes got wide and he said "Make sure they know I'm kidding!"  When I asked him how many stars he would really give me, he told me he would give me five.
The 12-year old and I hit it off right away.  He is a social butterfly who makes friends with nearly everyone he meets.  He and I have a lot of heart to heart conversations in which I give him advice on patience and kindness.  And he listens!  This kid has grown so much since I first met him.  He is more patient, less angry, and more loving.

It's going to be super difficult for me to leave these boys.  I get depressed every time I think about it.  Even though I'll be on the other side of the country, my thoughts and heart will always be with the three young souls I left in Pennsylvania.  My boss/mom and I have already planned to Skype on the 6-year old's birthday.  The older boys each have my phone number to keep in contact.  And I'll be back to visit.  I've even told my mom (jokingly, of course.) that when I do come back to visit, I'll be seeing the boys before I see her and my dad.  I'll be counting down the days.

Role Swap!

 

Imagine:  A 27-year old man acting like a 12-year old boy.  And a 12-year old boy acting like a 27-year old man.  That is exactly what happened last Thursday.

I have been attempting to drill the Golden Rule into the 12-year old's brain.  I eventually thought that the best way to do this would be to swap roles.  I warned him a few days in advance so he wasn't surprised.  He knew what day we would be swapping roles, but not what time of day.  So last Thursday, around noon, I made the boys some lunch.  When the 12-year was finished eating, I handed him a list:

Ask me what I want for lunch

Make me lunch

Clean up dog pee in kitchen (Don't worry!  It's just water!)

Make sure I turn off my Kindle

Make sure I eat everything

Put my plate in the dishwasher, then we're done!

I didn't plan it this way, but the 12-year old insisted I call him Philip.  He called me by his name, which will be 'J' for this post.  

First thing on the list.  Ask me what I want for lunch.  I just sat on the couch, playing Subway Surf on my Kindle, unresponsive.  He asked me a couple more times before I finally told him I wasn't hungry.

"You have to eat something!" he said.

"Ugh, fine!  Just make me a PB and J."  I made sure to roll my eyes and everything.

He made me a sandwich, and brought it out to me.  

"Turn off the Kindle."  No response from me.

He asked again.  Still no response from me.  The third time he asked, I just said "Wait!"  (He knows how much I hate that word.)  But he waited until my game character died.  I put the Kindle on the side table and took the sandwich from his hands.

"I'm not hungry." I said.

"You need to eat." he said.  I took a bite out of the sandwich.  (He needs some practice making PB and Js.  Way too much PB, not nearly enough J.)

I eat half the sandwich.  "I'm done."

"Finish the sandwich, please."

I eventually finished the sandwich.  He takes my plate and puts it in the dishwasher.  We finished the roll swap.

Throughout this exchange, J also cleans up the 'dog pee' in the kitchen, stops his brothers from fighting, and stops me from yelling at his brothers and calling them names.

This is an average lunchtime for me.  Trying to get J off his device, figure out what he wants to eat, making sure he eats everything, all while cleaning up messes and keeping peace between the boys.  J got to experience just that.

I asked J how he felt about what we just did.  He admitted that it was a little difficult.  He said he knew he'd have trouble getting me off the Kindle and that I'd be unresponsive, two things he regularly struggles with himself.  He said that the most difficult part was staying patient.  J knows that I am a very patient person, and he was trying to play the part perfectly.  He did an awesome job!  Instead of yelling at his brothers, he gently grabbed and shook their heads to get their attention, calmly telling them to settle down.  He even shook my head at one point.  That's something I do all the time to get the boys' attention.  J stayed calm throughout the entire scenario.  He made me super proud.

The next thing for me to do is to make sure J understands that he can stay calm.  He doesn't have to be pretending to be me.  I witnessed him calmly settle his brothers down, even his older brother.  I'm hoping that this activity was beneficial for J.  He had amazing feedback, so I know he learned something.  He also told me not to post about this on Facebook.  He didn't say anything about my blog!  Or sharing it to Facebook!  Sorry kiddo!

Anxious Grins

The boys say that I am evil.  Every Thursday morning during the Summer, I drag them to the library to see a show.  One week a singer performed.  Another week, a bug expert showed off some of his collection.  This week, Grins and Grins Comedy Show visited.  (They're pictured above.)
The Grins (yes, that is actually their last name!) put on a show full of jokes, juggling, and jabbering.  Mrs. Grins really likes to talk!  The show didn't really hold the boys' interest.  Not even when Mr. Grins brought out his Chinese yo-yo and did tricks.  The boys just looked bored throughout the entire show.
Until the finale.
Mr. Grins looked out into the back of the audience, searching for an adult to come up and assist him and his wife.  "How about you, in the blue shirt and glasses!"  He was staring right at me.
I went up and introduced myself, trying to stay calm.  Mrs. Grins lead me in a hula dance that got a little crazy.  It ended with us doing the Lawnmower.  Mr. Grins then brought out two mini surf boards (one pictured above) and a large tin can.  He then proceeded to put the surf boards flat on the floor and he and I "surfed" the waves.  He then got the can and put one of the surf boards on the can.  He told me step on up while he and his wife held my hands.  In their other hands were hula hoops.  They got me balanced, put the hula hoops around my body, and swapped hula hoops.  That was easy enough.
Mr. Grins pulled me to the side while his wife continued entertaining.
"Do you have any back problems?" he asked.  Oh boy.  Anxiety levels rose a little more.
After saying that I have a perfectly healthy back, Mr. Grins proceeded to stand on the surf board and get a good balance.  Mrs. Grins then jumped onto one of Mr. Grins hips.  I was then asked to jump onto the other hip.  I did so.  Mr. Grins balanced for about ten seconds before having us jump off again.
End of show.
I went back to the boys, who were all smiles at this point.  The 14- and 12-year old both asked me how my anxiety was.  (Have I mentioned how awesome these boys are?)  All I had to do was show them my shaky hands.  They laughed, but then asked me if I would be alright.  Aside from my knees knocking on the way to the car, I was perfectly fine.
I have always had great anxiety about being the center of attention.  So being somewhat forced into being in the spot light (especially during a comedy show!) was terrifying for me.  But I made it out alive.  And I realized that, despite what may have been going through my brain, there was never anything to worry about.  Except getting dropped by Mr. Grins.
On the way home from the library, I asked the boys what their favorite part of the show was.  They all said "The finale!"

Adulting pt. 2: Show Me the Money

I recently traded in my 1997 Ford Taurus (Goldfinger) for a 2004 Hyundai Sonata (The Hakuna Matata Sonata).  I had the radiator in the Taurus flushed three times in three months before trading it in.  I bought the Sonata, which runs beautifully.  It had a faint smell of gasoline which slowly became more and more noticeable.  When the Ice Age of 2018 finally ended, I learned that the air conditioner didn't work.  I eventually learned that my new car needed a new gas tank and a new compressor.
Meanwhile, for reasons beyond my control and beyond my boss's control, I was only working about fifteen hours a week, taking two college classes, and trying to figure out why my cat had been sneezing for the past two years.  Needless to say, a lot of money was being spent.  It's crazy to think that just one year ago, I had more money in the bank than I had ever had before.  But when life gives you lemons, you end up buying more lemons.
It got to the point where my parents (bless their hearts!) were loaning me money.  I am extremely grateful to them.  I am also annoyed.  I know how much my parents struggle.  I now feel like I am adding to their burdens.
I am back to working 30-40 hours with the boys.  Every paycheck I get is split between my parents, the bank (who partially owns my car), and my credit card.  I'm beginning to get caught up.  But then I remember that I'm moving out of state in two months.  Driving cross country.  Paying for gas, for school, groceries.  I wish my parents had warned me that adulthood would be so anxiety inducing!  Oh wait.  They did.
Despite their warnings, I grew up.  I should have listened better and stayed a child.  As if I had a choice.