I have mentioned before that childspeak is centered around love. You know your child best, but have you ever thought about their love languages? These can be the perfect and simplest forms of positive reinforcement. I'll admit that I always thought that love languages were a bunch of mumbo jumbo. But after working with children for as long as I have, I have come to realize that every child responds differently to different reinforcements. Almost all of these reinforcements fall under a love language category.
The five love languages are: Physical touch, service, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time. For kids, I have found that the three most effective love languages are physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time.
The boys I worked with in Pennsylvania loved receiving gifts. But the gifts weren't used for long. The boys eventually got bored with them. This told me that receiving gifts was not one of their love languages. I eventually found that the boys fell under three categories of love language: Physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time. Physical touch and words of affirmation are by far the easiest forms of reinforcement. Anytime one of the boys performed a good behavior, such as cleaning something up without being asked or simply using good manners, I would gently put my hand on their back (physical touch) and praise them (words of affirmation) for being awesome. When homework and chores got finished in a timely fashion, we then had plenty of time to spend together (quality time). I found that these three types of reinforcement worked much better than physical prizes. Not only did the boys feel rewarded, they also felt loved.
The love languages don't have to be used for just reinforcement, though. When consoling a child, a certain love language can help the child calm down. Gently rubbing their back (physical touch), while sitting with them (quality time) and assuring them that everything will be okay (words of affirmation) works wonders. I have even used this technique during tantrums. But doesn't that reinforce the tantrum? you might ask? Not at all. During a tantrum, your child is of a different mind set. One of the boys had a pretty severe tantrum my second to last day with him. While I sat with him (quality time), gently rubbed his back (physical touch), and told him everything was okay (words of affirmation), the boy told me that he felt like his mother didn't love him. He knew this wasn't true, but he was in a different mindset. At that moment in time, he genuinely believed his mother didn't love him. I sat and talked with him until he calmed down, my hand continuing to do gentle laps around his back. Because of how well I know this child, I can tell you that he calmed down a lot quicker than if I had just left him alone to scream and cry.
Remember that for this child, physical touch, words of affirmation, and quality time were the love languages needed. This isn't the case for every child. For a lot of children, it's actually better to leave them alone during a tantrum. They may be so angry with you that they don't want you anywhere near them. After speaking with them gently to tell them everything will be alright (words of affirmation), leave the child alone. If that is what they want, then you will be providing a service for them, which, if you remember, is one of the love languages.
Every child is different. I don't know what your child's specific love languages are. But I urge you to find out what they are. Your relationship with your child will grow in a way that every parent wishes for. Your child just wants to be loved. The more love they receive, the more love they are likely to give.
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