Bipolar Disorder: A Short Story

Wet Season

Dry Season

Mab woke up every morning, stretched his arms and legs, and let out a great howl of joy.  He'd made it

Mab woke up every morning, stretched his arms and legs, and lay back down for more sleep.  He wasn't

through another night, waking with the energy of many men.  Today was another day to live his best life. 

 

ready to face another day.  He had no energy and no desire to get started with his day.  Today was just

 

He stepped outside of his cave and let out another howl of joy.  The waters were falling from the sky,

 

another dry day of unsettling sunlight and heat.  After a few more hours of rest, Mab decided it was 

cooling the land and bringing life to the mountainside.  Mab grabbed his spear and went off for a morning

 

time to gather some fruit for breakfast.  Groaning with displeasure, Mab made his way out of the cave

hunt.  While searching for something good to eat, Mab noticed all of the beauty around him; the leaves 

towards the forest.  He headed straight for this favorite fruit tree.  Once at the tree, he sat down in its

dripping with water, the grass blowing in the wind, the dark clouds covering the sky.  Yes, today was

 

shade to take a rest.  He was still very tired.  After a quick nap, Mab collected his pile of stones and 

going to be a good day.  Mab headed for the forest, sure that he'd find some prey hiding from the falling

 

expertly threw the stones at the fruit.  As the fruit was falling from the tree, a beautiful bird came into

 

waters.  He eventually found a small herd of antelope.  Feeling confident, Mab set his sights on the largest 

view.  Annoyed at the interruption, Mab threw a stone at the magnificent bird.  His aim was true.  He'd

antelope, a female.  Gripping his spear tightly, Mab ran into the herd at full speed.  As the antelope scattered,

 

have some meat tonight.  Gathering the bird and the fruit, Mab made his way back to the cave.  In no

Mab was grazed by antlers and hooves, but he didn't notice the pain.  His focus was on the giant antelope at the

hurry, Mab dragged his feet in the dusty, dry ground.  He heard a rustle behind him.  He turned back to

end of his spear.  She put up a fight, but Mab came out victorious.  Dripping blood and sweat, Mab 

see a pair of large cats, licking their lips and growling hungrily.  Mab stopped and stood in fear.  He 

prepared to drag his prey back to his cave.  Still feeling confident and energetic, Mab was unaware of the

 

dropped his load of fruit and meat and ran towards his cave.  The large cats pounced on the bird,

pain from his injuries, unaware of the weight of the carcass he toted behind him.  Pushing through the 

ravenously tearing at the meat.  Mab looked back in dismay, mourning the loss of a hearty supper.

howling wind and drenching waters, Mab could see his cave up ahead.  But he also saw a pack of wolves,

 

After having devoured the dead bird, the large cats turned and headed back into the forest.  Mab had

looking for food of their own.  His energy rising again, Mab dropped his load and prepared his spear.  He

 

fallen asleep, drained of all his energy.  Once awake, he headed out of the cave to collect the fruit he

rushed the wolves, trying to catch them off guard.  He dropped one wolf as the others realized what was

 

had dropped.  Some fruits were still good, but most had been crushed by the large cats.  Mab ate one of

happening.  They circled around Mab, growling, fur raised.  The leader of the pack leapt at Mab.  Mab

 

the fruits and stored the rest for later.  He wasn't very hungry at the moment.  Having nothing else to

rolled out of the way, spear raised in defense.  Having dropped another wolf, Mab's confidence once more

 

do, Mab found a comfortable spot near the entrance of the cave.  He watched the day roll by, the sun

took over.  He swung his spear about, taking down wolf after wolf.  He was clawed in the back, bitten on

 

rising to the center of the sky, then dropping in the west.  The herds grazing in the sparse, dry grass.

the leg, but still he fought, until all the wolves were taken down.  Gasping for breath, Mab let out a loud,

 

Today was difficult.  Mab was exhausted, despite all the rest he'd taken today.  Hopefully tomorrow

booming laugh followed by yet another howl of joy.  Feeling invincible, Mab grabbed his prized antelope,

 

would be a better day.  Mab lay down for the night and fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of fruit and

plus a wolf, and made his way back to his cave. 

 

large cats.
 

I Can('t) Do Hard Things

I've always hated hearing people say "You can do hard things".  I have struggled with doing difficult things my whole life.  I moved home from Idaho in 2023 because life got too difficult.  I have quit jobs because they were too difficult. Most recently, the difficult thing I couldn't do was finish a semester of school.  School got difficult, my anxiety took over, and I dropped out of school four weeks before the end of the semester.  

I look back at where I was years ago, though, and see all of the difficult things I was able to do.  Moving out to Idaho in the first place, not once, but twice.  Attending three different colleges.  Stepping out of the food and retail industry and starting my career as a manny.  These were all difficult things.  Sure, I quit most of the things listed above (still going strong as a manny!), but it took a lot for me to try.  I'm not one to step out of my comfort zone, yet I've found myself leaving my zone on a regular basis.

I don't know if I'll ever finish college.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave Pennsylvania again.  But I do know that I need to keep an open mind to those options.  I can't do hard things, but I keep trying anyway.  Maybe someday it will all work out.

The Manny Diaries pt. 7: Coworkers

 

Last week marked eight years in my mannying career!  I moved back to PA last December and have been working with multiple families on a weekly basis.  I couldn't have been more proud of how far I've come in my career.

But I still felt like something was missing.  I found a content creator/nanny on Instagram who goes by The Modern Nanny.  She posted something about how nannying can be a lonely job.  She provided a way for nannies (and mannies!) to work together as "coworkers".  I decided to join.  So with a couple emails and one simple payment, I joined the Caregiving Coworker Cohort (CCC), and let me tell you, it has been a life changer.

Every Sunday afternoon, the Modern Nanny, Sarah, hosts a Zoom meeting in which whoever in the group wants to can discuss their week, what went well, what didn't go so well, and what we're looking forward to.  We then have some time left over for a group discussion.

Outside of the Zoom meetings, we use an App called Slack to keep in touch with each other.  In Slack, we can post questions, or successes, or even just rant about our day.

I have learned so much from Sarah and the other nannies in the group (yes, I'm the only manny).  I got a little impostor syndrome for a while because, in the almost eight years I had been working as a manny, I was going about it the wrong way.  I didn't know about contracts, having taxes withheld, the average wages, and even that PTO and retirement were options.  I have learned so much in the past couple months since joining the CCC.  I've come to appreciate the benefits of having coworkers, especially coworkers who support me and take the time to answer questions or address concerns.  I love that my coworkers want me to succeed and want to help me become the best manny I can be.

Mannying Defined pt. 2: Values

 

After working at a middle school for eight months, I got to spend the summer break as a manny to two awesome, funny, crazy boys.  It was a great summer full of fun and adventure.  I felt a pure joy that I hadn't felt in awhile.  I was reminded that being a manny truly is my passion in this stage of my life.  It got me thinking about why I chose to be a manny in the first place.

I have always loved working with kids.  What better way to earn money than simply playing with kids all day?  I wish I could say that all I do is play, but when it comes to helping children develop into amazing people, more is needed than just fun and games.  Children need to be taught to respect everyone around them.  They need to learn to love learning.  And, yes, they do need to have fun.

Respect

If you've ever seen Kids Say the Darndest Things, you know that children can be brutally blunt and honest.  The younger ones especially are not afraid to give their opinions on things.  It can be confusing for a child when they get scolded for speaking a thought out loud.  What we as adults see as disrespect is usually just a kid trying to grasp something they don't understand.  

I think I've used this example before, but one kid I was working with (we'll call him A) during the 2020 shutdown was doing his third grade class completely online via Zoom.  I would sit with him and help him with his work.  I became fairly familiar with his classmates.  There was one boy in particular who clearly had a learning disability.  For some reason, his actions made A angry and uncomfortable.  After an outburst from A one day, I explained to him why this boy acted the way he did.  I explained that things looked different from this boy's point of view, so his reactions were different than most peoples'.  I saw the lightbulb go off in A's eyes.  He smiled at me and said, "He just needs friends!"

In this situation, A was getting really fired up and got quite rude.  Fortunately, he was on mute, so I was the only one to hear the outburst.  Instead of getting mad at him, though, I calmly explained what was going on with the other boy.  Once everything clicked, A was able to see how he should act around this boy.  He was taught to respect someone who acted differently.

Education

Over this past summer, my favorite part of everyday was reading with the boys.  Sometimes I would read to them, sometimes they would read to me, and sometimes we would each read on our own.  After reading, the boys would work on Prodigy, an online math game a lot of elementary schools use.  During this time each day, the boys and I were given the opportunity to relax and unwind from physical activity.  Sure, the boys tended to run around while I would read to them; but when asked comprehensive questions, the boys were almost always able to recall events from the stories I would read.  Prodigy gave me the opportunity to work one-on-one, or I guess one-on-two, to help the boys figure out the math problems they were given.

Outside of that time of day, the boys tended to be very inquisitive.  We were on Google a lot, and asking Alexa questions occasionally.  We learned about belugas, and Michael Jordan, and outer space.  Being asked dozens of questions a day can be overwhelming, but I feel it is important to answer the questions.  Or, in most cases for us, find the answers to the questions.  You never stop learning, so don't try to stop.  And when a teachable moment arises, run with it.

Fun

Who doesn't love to have fun?  And what better way to show a child you care about them than having a good time with them?  Simply playing with a child can make a huge difference in their life.

I have had parents tell me how impressed they are about how involved I am with their kids.  Honestly, that's why I took the job in the first place!  I'm not the kind of sitter to just sit and watch, unless directed by the child.  That gets really boring really fast.  I'm going to sit down on the floor, criss-cross apple sauce, and play with Legos, or Pokemon cards, or dolls.  Whatever the kids are interested in become my new interests.  I've found that this is the easiest and most fun way to connect with children.  

While having fun, it is important to also listen.  Children are more likely to open up while they are having fun.  I worked with a kid who opened up while playing with a certain stuffed animal.  He would talk through the stuffed animal, and there was just pure joy emanating from him.

But, believe it or not, having fun can be exhausting.  Independent play can be an important thing for kids to learn.  When I get tired or am hurting from sitting on the floor, I simply tell the kids that I need a break.  Depending on the kid, they will either take a break with me, or continue to play on their own.  And, as far as I can remember, no feelings have ever been hurt by me saying I need a break.

Being a manny truly is the best job ever.  Like any other job, it has its challenges.  But overall, the joy I feel from working with kids is like no other joy I've ever felt.  I can only hope that I am making a positive, lasting impact on the lives of the children I work and have worked with, because they are leaving an impact on me.  I just want to return the favor.

Middle Schooled

Spending the last eight-ish months working as a paraprofessional in a middle school has been quite the roller coaster.  My official title was Primetime Paraprofessional, Primetime being a fun and fancy name for study hall.  I was given five classes of about 13-17 students, mostly eight graders with just a handful of 7th graders.  The job was stressful, fun, frustrating, and enlightening.  I learned a lot in the past eight months.

I learned that middle schoolers are difficult.

I learned that your children most certainly are not the perfect angels you think them to be.

I learned from experience why teachers go on strike for higher pay.

I learned how it felt to go to bed hungry and mad at the world.

I learned how to work with a supportive team.

I learned that every teacher wants what is best for your child.

I learned that not every parent cares.

I learned that middle school teachers are some of the most resilient individuals.

I learned how to listen for unspoken messages.

I learned to care about each and every individual student.

I may have learned more than the kids did.

Middle school is rough.  Teenagers can be positively infuriating.  But at the end of every day, I can look back, past all the misbehavior and frustration.  I can see the love of life in the students' eyes.  I can see the light bulbs going off as students grasp a concept.  I can see the humor and love the students share.  I can see that the future is in good hands, so long as our educators stay dedicated to their students.

I'm so grateful for the time I spent as a Primetime Paraprofessional.  I can't wait to get back to it in the fall.

  

 

Depression: A Short Story

 

September 12th

Zeb enjoyed watching the magpies pick at the bird feeders on the front lawn.  He loved the way their wings glinted blue in the sunlight.  He found comfort in the chirping of mothers calling out to their chicks, telling them food was coming.  Zeb could watch those birds for hours.

"The birdseed is getting low," Zeb muttered to himself.  He shut the front door and walked down the long hallway towards the kitchen, the chain around his ankle rattling with every step he took.  He grabbed some bread and jam from the pantry for a quick bite.  He made up his snack and returned to the front door.  The chain snagged going around the corner as a couple links receded into the wall.

September 13th

The magpies hadn't begun swooping yet.  Surely today would be the day.  Zeb headed for the washroom, but decided a bath could wait.  He quickly made his way down the hallway to the front door, the chain clinking loudly behind him.

"Curse this chain," Zeb murmured.  "Always causing a raucous."  Zeb looked outside just in time to see the birds fly back into the trees.  "Curse this chain," he repeated.  With the magpies cautiously watching, Zeb headed towards the kitchen for breakfast.  The chain tugged at Zeb's ankle as more links vanished into the wall.

September 14th

Zeb awoke to an itching, burning pain on his ankle.  He limped his way to the washroom to wet his ankle.  He flinched as he gently patted the inflamed area with a cold, moist cloth.  A sudden, loud chirp erupted from outside.

"It's started!"  Zeb hurried out of the washroom and down the hall, dodging around the chain at his feet.  He threw the front door open just in time to see a single magpie swooping out of a tree towards a squirrel.  The squirrel got away before the magpie could strike.  The other magpies sat in their trees, watching.  False alarm.  The swooping still hadn't begun.

"Cheeky squirrel," Zeb chuckled.  He then grimaced as the chain tugged at his ankle, more links disappearing.  But he stayed put, watching the magpies.

September 15th

After a small breakfast, Zeb made his way to the front door.  As he reached for the door handle, he was pulled back by the chain, once again receding into the wall.

"I can't reach the door," Zeb whispered angrily.  "I'll miss it all."  He fell to his knees, unsure of what to do next.  He sat there for hours, despairing over his predicament.

Outside, the magpies remained silent.

September 16th

Zeb woke on the floor, hungry and cold.  His ankle burned.  He noticed that he was further from the door than he was when he fell asleep.  The chain must have dragged him further from the door.  He let out a cry of frustration.

That's when he heard it.  The clamorous chirping of magpies dive bombing small critters, trying to protect their homes.

"I'm missing it," Zeb sobbed.  "Curse this chain!"  He began to claw at his ankle, repeating his new mantra. "Curse this chain!  Curse this chain!"

His ankle and fingertips began to bleed.  Zeb wailed and sobbed.  He thought he would never be free of the chain that kept him from the joy the magpies brought him.

And that's when he remembered.

Zeb rushed down the long hallway into his bedroom.  As if reading his mind, the chain began working overtime, quickly receding.  How had he forgotten?  There, on his bedside table, sat liberation.  Freedom from the pain.  Zeb lunged for the key as the chain gave one final tug.  He struggled with the lock as the chain pulled him towards the unknown.

He unclasped the chain.

Giving a sigh of relief, Zeb limped his way back down the hallway.  With a smile on his face and tears in his eyes, he turned the handle on the front door, and took a deep breath.  The magpies were chirping up a storm, flying this way and that.

This was the best swooping he had ever witnessed.

Backwards Anxiety

 

I feel as though my life has always consisted of taking one step forward, quickly followed by two steps backward.  In 2018, I took my biggest step forward by moving to Idaho to continue my education.  In 2019, I took a couple steps back by moving back home to Pennsylvania.  While in Pennsylvania, my mannying clientele grew, my anxiety almost completely vanished thanks to lifestyle changes and a wonderful therapist, and I was the happiest I had been in years.  Then I took the giant step of moving back to Idaho in 2022.  Since being back in Idaho, I find myself stepping backwards again.  But one of those backward steps worked out well for me.

After moving back to Idaho, being unemployed for a month, and digging myself into a hole of financial burden, my anxiety decided to take over.  It didn't help that I had just cut one of my medicine dosages in half.  But me being me, I didn't want to go back to the full dosage.  In fact, after three months and with permission from my doctor, I took two steps backwards and went off that medication completely.

The two or three weeks after discontinuing that prescription were miserable.  I was always trembling, constantly on the verge of tears, and extremely sensitive to everything around me.  I hoped and prayed that all this would go away once my body was done going through withdrawals.  

Miracle of miracles, it almost all went away (except for the occasional trembling).  The confidence I had while I was in Pennsylvania returned.  Aside from the medication, nothing in my life has changed.  All the stressors are still there, but I am now able to manage them.  I have become comfortable asking for help.  I am almost always in a better mood at work.  I'm feeling happy again, for the most part.  I just had to take a step back.

My life is nowhere near where I want it to be.  The anxiety is still there, especially in regards to what life has in store for me.  I'm confused about my future, about what my next steps are.  I now understand, though, that it is okay to take a couple steps back.  Those backwards steps might just lead me to the greatest next step imaginable.

*Note:  Although being taken off of a medication worked for me, it may not work for everyone.  I was on that medication for 17 years.  It worked really well for many of those years, but as time went on, I'm guessing that my body built up a resistance to it.  Please talk to your doctor before discontinuing your medication.

On the Struggle Bus

Five days, on and off.  That's how long my most recent anxiety attack lasted.  A whole lot of "woe is me" building up in my system, making me fear for my future, thoughts racing at the speed of fright.  The funny thing about my anxiety is that, not only am I on the struggle bus, I'm the one driving the bus.

Who would have thought that all I needed was some backseat drivers.  My coworkers caught me shaking and looking nervous at lunch.  They gave me a pep talk and offered me assistance.  They never tried to take the steering wheel from me.  They just offered direction.  That's all I needed.  I have been alright ever since.

I have always struggled with asking for help.  I never wanted to be a charity case.  My coworkers assured me that I was not a charity case, that we're meant to help each other in our times of need.  In the past couple weeks, I have received a lot of guidance, food, and anonymous money donations from coworkers.  The assistance and care has opened my eyes to the fact that there are people around me who truly care for me.  (Another funny thing about my anxiety: thinking everyone just tolerates you, nothing more.)  I will be forever grateful to the amazing people I work with.

My new goal in life is to be a backseat driver.  The struggle bus doesn't offer a smooth ride, but I know now that I can help others on this field trip called life.

 

On Being Genuine

Having worked in customer service for almost ten years, I had to learn how to put on a smile and pretend like everyone was my friend.  I treated rude, angry customers with respect and kindness, even though I would have loved nothing more than to turn my back and pretend they didn't exist.  Or, on the very rare occasion, I wished I could just strangle them.  But I did what I was trained to do: grin and bear it.

After leaving the world of customer service, I struggled with truly caring about the needs of others.  I didn't have to pretend anymore, so I'd become almost completely numb to those around me.  After I began mannying, I had to relearn how to care.  Did I really care if a kid's favorite color is blue?  Not at all.  But it mattered to the kid I was working with.  After a while, I learned that something as simple as the color blue can be especially important to children.  I had to learn to care about the color blue.  This led to me caring about favorite foods and animals, which led me to truly caring about the little individual I was spending so much time with.  I learned to look outside of myself and to genuinely love someone else.

I am now living in a studio apartment in Idaho.  It's just me and my cat.  The thing about the part of Idaho I'm in is that the majority of the population is of the same faith, myself included.  What I find interesting, though, is that I struggle finding genuine people.  I've been here for a little over three months, and I can count on one hand the number of people I feel comfortable turning to if I need help.  And guess what?  The first person that comes to mind isn't of my faith.

Weird, huh?

Even at my job as a middle school study hall teacher, I find that my most caring, genuine students are not of my faith.  In a community where everyone thinks and believes the same thing, it has become easy to put on a smile and pretend like everyone is your friend.  I have no idea why.  Maybe because everyone has the same beliefs, they're afraid to mess up.  So they don't exhibit their true selves, making the only genuine people in town the ones who believe differently.

So what can I do?

I wrote about putting myself out there in my last post.  I am continuing to do that, even though it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  I finally broke down this past Sunday.  I had an anxiety attack just thinking about going to church, where I am just a wallflower that no one notices.  I was half way to the church building when I turned myself around and went back to the apartment.

I promised myself I would never do that again.  I need to keep putting myself out there.

So when I saw a post on Facebook from a young couple from church looking for a ride to the airport, I offered to drive them.  I'll admit, I waited a couple of hours after seeing the post, hoping someone else would offer.  But after thinking about it, I realized that I shouldn't have hesitated.  I decided to put this young couple's needs over my own insecurities.  It felt good.  It felt genuine.  I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if no one else ever offered.  That's what it's like around here.  Well wishes and goodbyes, but not much in the way of serving others.

No genuine kindness.

I'm not about that life.  I am going to continue on in my journey to put myself out there and genuinely care for those around me.  No more fake smiles for me.

 

Putting Myself Out There

In the last week of August, I packed up all of my stuff and moved back to Idaho.  It was a long drive for just me and my cat, but I got to see some family and friends on the way.  On September 6, I moved into my studio apartment.  For the first time in my life, I was living by myself, with my closest family members about three hours away.  For the first time in my life, I was truly alone.

Before leaving Pennsylvania, I had been in therapy for about a year.  One of the big issues my therapist and I tackled was socializing, which, even now, is terrifying for me.  But I took all of my therapist's suggestions to heart, I practiced continuing conversations with people I already knew, and I felt good about meeting new people in Idaho.

I have been in Idaho for almost three months, now, and I have gone way out of my comfort zone putting myself out there for everyone to see.  I can't help but laugh at how putting myself out there looks so much different from other people putting themselves out there.

I attend church every Sunday.  I sit alone.  A few people talk to me.  I continue the conversation by asking follow up questions.  I am putting myself out there.

I attend church parties.  I sit alone.  A few people talk to me.  I continue the conversation by asking follow up questions.  I am putting myself out there.

I attend a class aimed towards people my age.  Everyone is much older.  I sit alone.  I am putting myself out there.

I eat lunch with my colleagues at work.  I'm not alone.  I join in on the conversation.  I laugh.  I am putting myself out there.

It doesn't look like much.  I know I could be doing a lot more, but I'm proud of the level of effort I'm currently putting into socializing and meeting new people.  I am way outside of my comfort zone even just thinking about conversing with others.  But I do it anyways.

The last three months have been lonely and difficult, but I continue to put myself out there.  One of these days, I will find deep and meaningful connections, but I have to keep trying.  I have to keep putting myself out there.

 

Mannying: Five Years Later

It's hard to believe, but early next week marks five years of mannying.  I have grown so much since I first started in 2016.  I have learned a lot along the way.  The most important thing I've learned is how strong the influence of a male role model can be.

One of my favorite things about mannying is starting with a family and seeing the confusion, excitement, and devious plotting on the children's faces.  Confusion because the kids have never had a male sitter before.  Excitement because of the new experience.  And devious plotting to see what they can get away with.  I have seen these looks on almost every child I've worked with.  I especially love working with boys and seeing their excitement.  I've had boys tell me that they've never had a boy sitter before and that they're so happy to finally one.  I had one kid tell me he wanted to be a manny when he grew up.  I had another kid tell me he was surprised at how fun and kind I am.  This was all part of why I wanted to be a manny.  I wanted so badly to break the mold of teenage/college aged females being the only child care providers to get recognition.

I think I shared before about my first full-time mannying interview.  The mother said I was perfect for the job, then went on to hire a young woman instead.  About six months later, I interviewed with this mother again.  She again told me how perfect I was for the job.  I went on to work with her three amazing boys for about four years.  It was annoying that she didn't hire me at first, but that's the norm for me.  It all worked out in the end, though.

I remember a few years back, a popular childcare website (which I happen to use) ran a commercial with a bunch of kids telling what they were grateful for about their sitters.  Each child began their sentence with the word "she".  "She does this", "She taught me that".  The commercial infuriated me, especially since I used that exact website to find jobs.  Fortunately, they changed their commercials around, so I can't complain anymore.

While working for my one family, I continued to apply to date night/weekend jobs.  For every fifteen jobs I would apply to, I would hear back from one, maybe two.  This all changed about four months ago.  With everyone going back to the office, my email exploded with parents begging me to watch their kids.  I guess it just takes desperation to ask a man to watch your kids.  In the past year, however, I have added two regular weekday families (one before school, one after), a weekend family, and two date night families.  While people are indeed desperate, I'm also finding that parents are more open to the idea of a manny.  I've gotten a couple of responses from mothers excited to have found someone to work with their sons.  It also helps that I worked really hard to create an impressive profile.  I definitely stand out against the female competition.  

My after school boys have told me multiple times that I am the best manny.  They also like to repeat my mantra "I'm not a nanny, I'm a manny".  We turned it into a joke.  They tell me I'm the worst nanny, which I then thank them for.  I then tell them they're the worst little girls, which they thank me for.

I absolutely love my job.  I look forward to going to work everyday.  I look forward to hearing the thrilled "He's here!" after I ring the doorbell of a home.  I look forward to the toothy smiles that greet me when I enter the home.  And I especially look forward to hanging out with boys who could use some positive attention from a male role model.  

Happy five year mannyversary to me and my families!  I'm so grateful for all of you!

I Am A Masculinist pt. 2

 

Hollywood has done an amazing job at creating strong, independent, female leading roles; Disney, in particular.  But looking back at the past ten or so years, I realized that there aren't many good male leading roles.  You have your stereotypical narcissists who are humbled throughout their adventure, your nerds who become superheroes, and your overbearing fathers who think they know what's best for their children.  I could only think of three movies that broke that mold.

The first movie I thought of was Ratatoullie.  The movie follows Remy, a rat who just wants to fulfill his dream of being a chef.  He has to break down many barriers to get where he wants to be.  He meets up with Alfredo Linguini, a clueless, but seemingly motivated chef wannabe.  Both characters are sensitive to each others' feelings.  Both characters are kind.  And both characters have a realistic goal for their lives.  They don't want to be race car drivers or superheroes; they just want to cook.  

I thought of the movie Coco next.  Miguel is a young boy who has a passion for music.  He also loves his family and only wants to help out.  Through some magical events, he is sent to the afterlife where he meets Hector, another music lover.  Miguel eventually comes to learn that Hector is his great grandfather.  I love this movie because, again, the main characters are kind and trying to reach reasonable goals.

The last movie I could think was Wreck-It Ralph.  Ralph is a big, strong villain who simply wants a chance to be the good guy.  Although he can be grumpy at times, we can see that Ralph has a huge heart.  He wants to be kind and helpful.

I want to see more movies like these three.  Teaching young girls to be strong and independent is important.  But teaching young boys to be kind and to be dreamers is equally as important.  I want to see more movies where the leading male doesn't have to go through a transformation.  He should start out as a good, kind character.  With theses types of examples, I'm sure the men of tomorrow will grow up to be more sensitive and empathetic.  It's in your hands now, Hollywood.

iPhilip 30

 

On March 27th of this year, the iPhilip 30 made an appearance.  This particular iPhilip was to be the greatest yet.  But, as is often the case, life got in the way.  Here is iPhilip's story in his own words:

"My 30th year of life began with the loss of my emotional support kitty, Zoe.  She was just 11-years old.  I decided that I didn't want to wait to adopt another cat.  So I eventually adopted a beautiful tortoise hair cat that I named Zadie.  She hated me for a long time, which, obviously, didn't provide me with the emotional support I needed.  Months later, she is my little shadow and loves to be petted.

"Back in April, while I was in the process of adopting Zadie, a difficult decision arose (unrelated to Zadie's adoption).  I could make it easy by continuing to do what I was already doing; but in so doing, I would be causing myself more and more anxiety.  Or, I could make the more difficult, but correct choice, which is what I did.  I made the more difficult choice, knowing that my life would be miserable for awhile.  I knew people would hate me for the choice I made.  I knew my life would temporarily become a living hell.  But I made the choice anyways.  What I didn't know was that my social media and blog would be stalked.  I didn't expect failed attempts to have me taken down at every turn.  I began regretting the choice I made, even though I knew it was the right one.

"I began seeing a therapist.  She has been wonderful for me and has helped me through a lot.  But I still have a long way to go.  Even nearly half a year later, I am struggling with the decision I made.  If given the chance to do it over again, I would still make the same choice, even though I question it almost every day.  Doing the right thing isn't always easy.

"Just last week, I was in a dark place, a darker place than I had ever been in before.  I slowly got out of it using the techniques my therapist gave me.  I'm still not at 100%.  It may be a while until I'm there again.  But I'm trying."

When asked to describe himself, iPhilip 30 said that he is "big-hearted, but broken."  He remains hopeful and is continuing to look for ways to improve himself.  He is doing a lot of self-care activities and putting down boundaries.  We at iPhilip are certain that things will only get better.

An Open Letter

 

Dear friends,

I, along with millions of others, have had the Olympics on my mind and on my TV for the past week or so.  The news of Simone Biles opting to stop her participation was huge news this week.  She decided to put her mental health before her fame.  I've seen many different responses to the news.  A lot of love and encouragement, but also a lot of shaming and hate.  I've seen comments on social media from people I know and love.  So here is my open letter to those friends.

For those of you who are shaming Simone Biles for quitting, let me be the first to apologize.  I'm sorry that I, your friend, struggle with mental illness.  I'm sorry that I worry every day about what my future holds, or if I even have a future.  I'm sorry I can be such a Debbie Downer at times.  I'm sorry I'm too afraid at times to act 'normal'.  I'm sorry if I ever made you feel ashamed to call me a friend.

For my friends who are showing love and support towards Simone, I now know who I can turn to in times of trouble.

I, too, have had to make difficult decisions in the past.  Do I keep pressing forward in an emotionally draining environment?  Or do I quit to take care of myself?  I do my best to weigh the pros and cons.  If I can't see myself continuing on and being happy, I'll admit that I give up.  It's never an easy choice, but it's a choice that sometimes needs to be made.  I may give up on a lot of things, but I refuse to give up on myself.

I love each and every one of my friends.  I hope they all know that I can be a listening ear and/or a shoulder to cry on if they need one.  Life gets tough, but you can make it through.  Just make the right choice, even if it's the difficult one.

Your friend and ally, 

Philip 

Narcissism: A Short Story

   

    Way up in the Scottish Highlands of ancient times, a dragon couple had just established their territory.  Breeding season was only months away, so this couple needed to turn their territory into a home fit for hatchlings.  The male dragon, Aillig, and his female counterpart, Grear, were deeply in love.  You see, dragons were one of the few creatures that mated for life.  Once a bond is made, it becomes nearly impossible to break.

    Aillig and Grear constructed a beautiful nest of stone, in which Grear laid three eggs.

    "I have never been so happy in all my life," Grear told Aillig one day.  "I can't wait to meet our hatchlings."

    On the day the eggs hatched, Aillig was away hunting for food.  He arrived back to the nest to meet his two sons, Torin and Calder, and his daughter, Vanora.  A surge of pride filled Aillig's breast as he beheld his handsome hatchlings.  "This calls for some special gifts," he said to Grear.  Aillig left the nest for a brief period.  When he returned, Grear could see a glint of precious metal shining from Aillig's mouth.  Aillig gifted his three hatchlings with pure gold that he had come across while hunting.

    "It's beautiful," said Grear.  "But what is the purpose?"

    "To remind us of the day our lives changed forever," was Aillig's reply.

    As the years went by, the hatchlings slowly grew into majestic beasts.  Every year, Aillig would bring back gold to celebrate his offspring.  A pile had been formed in the center of the nest for all to see.  When the time came for the hatchlings' first hunting trip, Aillig was nowhere to be found.  Grear took the young dragons out by herself.  She taught them how to draw in and catch a red deer.  After Torin, Calder, and Vanora had each caught their own deer, they returned back to the nest.  Aillig was waiting for them.

    "To commemorate your first hunt," Aillig said, "I have brought each of you a gold figurine I found in a nearby village."  He passed out the figures.  A wolf for Torin, an eagle for Calder, and a bear for Vanora.  The three excited dragons thanked their father and went off to celebrate on their own.

    "Where were you today?" asked Grear.  "You missed the first hunt."

    "I knew you had it under control," was Aillig's reply.  "I went off to get gifts."

    "That was very thoughtful," said Grear, "but don't forget that the greatest gift is spending time with your offspring."

    "Come with me next time," said Aillig, seeming to ignore Grear's words.  "The village is a wonderful place.  The smells of cooked meat.  The sounds of singing and laughter.  And the gold.  You never know what you will find."

    "That does sound wonderful," Grear said.

    Many more years passed.  Aillig continued his tradition of treasure hunting.  He soon began going off multiple times a year.  The pile of treasures was moved down to a crag under the nest, still in full sight.  Although the young dragons told him they had enough treasure, Aillig continued to hunt for more, keeping most of his findings for himself.

    Early in the morning of the young dragons' Sending Away, Aillig went off to find the biggest treasures he could.  Sending one's offspring out into the world to find their own ways was the most important of dragon traditions.  Aillig needed to find something extra special for this day, no matter how long it took.  He returned late into the night with a large gold framed mirror.  This was the most perfect gift Aillig had ever brought home.  

    As the nest came into sight, Aillig noticed that Grear was waiting there for him, by herself.  "Where are the offspring?" he asked.

    "I sent them away," Grear answered angrily.  "They are moving on with their lives now."

    "You didn't wait for me?" asked Aillig, smoke curling from his nostrils.

    Grear frowned.  "I was unsure when you would return.  There have been times when you were gone for days."

    "I needed the perfect gift," Aillig growled.

    "The offspring don't care about your gifts," Grear snarled.  "They have told you multiple times.  You seem not to hear anything but your own greed."

    "I did this for them, not for myself."  Aillig glared at Grear.  "I care deeply about our offspring."

    "You have a strange way of showing it."  Grear turned her back on Aillig.  "I am going to sleep now.  I am leaving in the morning.  I need a respite from your avarice."  Grear left Aillig alone with his thoughts.

    Why does she not understand that everything I do is for my family? Aillig wondered.  She won't actually leave me...will she?

    This is when Aillig's already crumbling mind completely snapped.  "She can't be allowed to leave," he said to himself.

    The next morning, an earsplitting, woeful roar filled the air.  "What have you done?" Grear screamed at Aillig.  She looked back towards her tail.  Her once beautiful wings had been shredded.  Dried blood crusted the large tears in the wing membrane.  Pieces of flesh littered the nest floor.

    "I couldn't let you leave," was Aillig's reply.  "We need each other.  We are bound for life.  I couldn't let you follow through with your selfish need for 'respite'."

    "Your actions have proven that bonds can be broken," Grear cried, the pain beginning to settle in.  "You are the selfish one.  Everything you have ever done was for your own gain."

    "Everything I did was for our family."  Aillig was beginning to get angry again.

    "I can't...," Grear huffed.  "I can't talk...Too much pain."

    "Of course you can't talk," Aillig snapped.  "You never talk when it comes to my feelings.  It's always about you.  I've had enough!"  With that, Aillig pushed Grear over the edge of the nest.  He listened for the thud, shuddering when it finally came.

    "She's gone now," he muttered to himself.  "She can't hurt me anymore."

    Over the decades, Aillig fought off many a foe.  Humans seeking the treasure they could see from miles away.  Other dragons attempting to rob him of his territory.  Aillig eventually hid his treasure in a cave near his nest.  He would spend hours looking at the mirror.  He never looked at his reflection, only the gold frame around the mirror.  Upon leaving the cave one day, Aillig noticed movement near the nest.

    "Calder?" he said.  "Is that you?"

    "Hello father," Calder said.  "I've come to see how you were doing.  I heard about mother's fall so many years ago.  I would have come sooner, but I had my own offspring to take care of."

    "I am doing well," Aillig responded.  "I am happy here by myself.  I have everything I need."

    "I'm glad to hear that," said Calder.  "I also came to ask if you would join me in my nest.  I've seen how difficult life can get for the elderly."

    "Life isn't difficult at all," Aillig said with a small snarl.  "I said I am fine."

    "I just thought I would offer."

    "Because you think I am like the other elderly dragons?  I can take care of myself."

    "I understand.  I thought maybe-"

    "I don't need anything," Aillig growled.  "I am capable of taking care of myself.  I am happy on my own."

    Calder hesitated.  "You don't seem happy, father."

    Aillig let out a roar, a wave of smoke exiting his mouth.  "Who are you to tell me if I am happy or not?  You, who left me alone.  After all I did for you and your siblings, you left without a goodbye."

    "We waited hours for your return, father," Calder said, tears forming in his eyes.  "You left us wondering when you would return.  We all agreed that we had to go.  Mother gave us a beautiful sending away."

    "Don't speak to me about your mother," Aillig growled.  "She never loved me.  I want no more to do with her."  

    Calder let out a sob.  "I can't do this, father.  I must go.  Goodbye."  Aillig turned his back as Calder flew away.

    Aillig continued to live alone.  Other dragons were finally successful in taking over Aillig's nest.  Taking pity on an elderly dragon, they allowed Aillig to reside in his cave of treasures, where he eventually passed into the next realm.  All alone, with nothing but his reflection in his prized gold framed mirror.

Child Abuse: When to Report

 

Working with children can get frustrating.  Loving a child is the best thing in the world.  The grey area in between the frustration and love can get confusing.

Growing up, I always thought child abuse was physical.  I thought that the extent of child abuse was bodily harm to a child.  Then I learned about sexual abuse.  And neglect.  And psychological abuse.  There are so many ways children can be put in danger.

The best known form of abuse is physical abuse.  Physical abuse can be hitting, kicking, biting, restraining, and any other physically harmful actions.  If it leaves a mark that lasts for hours, it's abuse.  Some signs to look for are marks (red marks, scratches, bruises, etc.) especially on the face.  If you are a parent that spanks, just make sure you know the line between discipline and abuse.

Sexual abuse is a scary thing.  When an adult rapes, fondles, or does sexually stimulating activities with a child, this counts as sexual abuse.  Some signs to look for are if a child has advanced knowledge of sexual behavior, regressive behaviors (bed wetting, thumb sucking, etc.), decrease in self-esteem, and difficulty sleeping alone at night.

Neglect is the most common form of abuse.  Neglect can be as simple as leaving a child unsupervised, or not providing adequate food or clothing for the child.  Many families are reported for living in unsafe, unclean houses.  Some signs to look for are if a child tends to wear the same clothes everyday, is always hungry, is always unclean, or, like with physical abuse, is often covered in scratches or bruises.

The last type of abuse is psychological abuse.  Psychological abuse can go two ways: excessive attention and verbal discipline (screaming, name calling, cursing, etc.), or inadequate attention (ignoring emotional needs).  Children who have been psychologically abused may be persistently scared or withdrawn.  Some kids might be verbally abusive to other kids.

I have worked with many kids over the years and seen the signs of neglect and psychological abuse.  I've had to report parents.  It's not easy.  I care about every single child I've ever worked with, and it breaks my heart to see kids live in unfit conditions.  It breaks my heart even more to have to report the conditions, in fear that the child may be sent away.  Ultimately, though, the children's safety should be the priority.

If you suspect someone of abusing children, find out who you need to call.  Call the police in extreme cases.  If the child is not in immediate danger, the best thing to do is call your state's child abuse hotline, which you can find online.

Operation: Childspeak pt. 5

 

Forget everything you know about your child.  They are now a brand new individual.  New emotions, new interests, new fears.  The teenage years are a struggle.  Parents the world over have difficulty figuring out who these strangers are in their home.  The best way to get to know anyone is to listen.  Listen to understand.  Your teen is going to say hurtful things at times, or things you disagree with.  Just listen.  Once they have finished expressing themselves, hopefully in a calm manner, you can put in your two cents.

Something important to remember is that the young man or woman sitting before you is no longer your sweet little snuggle bug.  They're not going to crawl on your lap and cry when they're scared or worried about something.  Instead, they might act out.  They might argue.  There is a good chance that their anger is masking something deeper, such as depression or anxiety.  On the inside, they probably do want to crawl up on your lap and cry.  They just want to be loved and listened to.  It's honestly as simple as that.

This doesn't mean you should be their best friend.  You are still an authority figure.  But by genuinely listening, there is a better chance of your teen being willing to open up to you.

I have told a couple teens I've worked with that it is okay to respectfully tell their parent to just listen and not speak.  I did this as a teen.  There were things that I needed to express to my mom and I knew she would interrupt me at times.  So I gently, and very cautiously, asked her to please just listen.  I would tell her when I was done speaking.  We had some really good conversations this way.

"But won't that make my kid think they are in charge?"  No.  As long as they are respectful about asking you to listen.  It is your job as a parent to take care of your children.  Listening can open up a lot of doors.  It did for my mom and I, and it's also opened a lot of doors with one the teens I work with.  We have 'therapy' sessions every Friday after school in which he dumps his feelings and worries on me.  I then talk him through steps he can take to get rid or lessen these feelings he's having.  We've got a long way to go, but I feel that we are slowly making progress.  All because I listen before I respond.

I know this is asking a lot of you, but please try it out.  Just listen.  A lot of teens simply need to get things off their chests.  I'd rather have a teen dump their feelings on my than get into dangerous and unhealthy situations.  This obviously isn't going to solve all of your adolescent woes, but it's a good and important start.  Please, just listen.

Mannying Defined

 

In a little under two months, I'll have been working as a manny for four years.  And what an amazing four years it has been!  I have worked with six different families (plus a handful of 'as needed' families) and have donned many different hats.  All of these hats fit under the manny umbrella that I love to show off.  Let's take a look at these hats.

Hat #1: Disciplinarian

Growing up, I remember watching the show Supernanny in which nanny Jo Frost helps families with struggling children find peace through discipline and behaviorism.  I loved how she found fun, seemingly simple ways to help parents promote good behavior in their homes.  It's something I wanted to try my hand at.  In my four years as a manny, I have researched and developed multiple different behavioral charts and activities to help the kids I work with.  Some kids did really well with the ideas I came up with.  There are others that I'm still trying to figure out.  The brainstorming and creativity is almost therapeutic for me.  

Hat #2: Taxi Driver

This one is pretty self explanatory.  I have driven kids to and from school, sports, parties, work, appointments, and shopping trips.  I have mastered the art of packing up trunks and backseats while still saving room for the 'passengers'.  And some of the best, most meaningful conversations have happened while in the car. 

Hat #3: Tutor

Something I've been doing a lot of, especially since the pandemic started, is tutoring.  I had to quickly learn how to use the many various online learning formats the different school districts use.  Keeping the kids focused is the biggest part of the job.  I help out when needed.  I don't give answers, though.  If a child asks me a question, I ask follow up questions so they can come to the answer themselves.

Hat #4: Chef

I have always loved to cook, and nothing is more fun than cooking with kids.  One of my families really enjoys smoothies, so we have come up with some delicious smoothies (banana-coconut is amazing!).  I encourage the kids to help with lunch or dinner.  Cooking is an important thing to learn.  It's also very satisfying eating something you helped make.

Hat #5: Maid

I have been blessed with families who don't need a maid.  That doesn't stop me from doing minor chores such as the dishes or folding laundry.  One of my favorite memories is folding laundry with one of my families while watching Jim Carrey in The Mask.  Chores should be fun!  I've tied rags to kids' feet and had them 'skate' across the hardwood floor in soapy water.  They loved that!  I also try to make cleaning up toys fun.  I've had cleaning races to see who can pick up the most toys.  I've played toy basketball where I hold a basket or bin and have the kids toss the toys to me.  The room gets cleaner and (usually) everyone is smiling. 

Hat #6: Therapist

I have worked with many different families, as I mentioned.  With all the kids I've worked with, there were sure to be troubled kids.  I worked with a lot of kids with anger issues, which is no walk in the park, let me tell you.  But these kids do seem to be the most willing to talk and express their feelings.  They also seem to have the biggest hearts.  I try my best to understand what they are feeling and help them through their confusing and difficult emotions.  Most of the time, they just need someone to listen to them.

Hat #7: Nurse

While working with young children, it is inevitable that someone is eventually going to get hurt or sick.  I have cleaned and bandaged minor wounds.  I have checked for concussions.  I have taken temperatures.  And I have simply kept sick kids company.  I've also taught myself some reflexology to help with headaches, stuffy/runny noses, and coughs.  This is probably my least glamorous hat, as it has been vomited on, peed on, and bled on.  But a good scrubbing always removes the stains.

Hat #8: Friend

I'm sure your mom or dad at least once told you, "I'm your parent, not your best friend".  That doesn't apply to me.  I can be strict.  I can use fair discipline.  But the first thing I do is try to be friends with the kids I'm working with.  It can be a difficult balance, sometimes, but it's totally worth it.  I haven't gotten along with every child I worked with, but I did my best to show them the love they deserved.

I look forward to finishing up my college career while working with my families and perhaps adding more families into the mix.  I'm definitely interested to see what other hats I might put on under my manny umbrella.  There's always room for more.

Forever A 3rd Grader

The Day I Wrote A Personal Narrative

Being a 3rd grader is fun.  Being a 29-year old doing 3rd grade for the third time is not as much fun.  But it's 2020 and the mannying game has turned into a cyber schooling game.  Trying to cyber school a child with severe ADHD is honestly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  So to keep myself sane, I have decided to work alongside my little 3rd grader in some of his classes.  For example, he is making concentric circles in art class right now.  We have been having a blast working on those together.  This week, he is writing a personal narrative.  And that is what today's post is.  My personal narrative.

"Personal narratives should have dialogue and characters," the 3rd grade teacher told the class.

The characters in my personal narrative are both struggling through this school year.  My little 3rd grader is losing patience with school.  I am losing patience with the headaches this kid is giving me.  Anyone who knows me well knows I wouldn't trade my mannying gig for anything in the world.  I've begun to consider my options.

Thank goodness the boys physically go back to school in less than a month.  It's a hybrid situation, so they'll be working from home some days, and going in to school others, providing me with a much needed sanity break.

A personal narrative follows a sequence of events.  The kid and I are currently rocking out to some music while working on our circles.

A personal narrative should be either informative, entertaining, or used to persuade.  This is more of a thought dump.

A personal narrative needs a conclusion.

In conclusion, it's almost time for gym class.

The End